(Written February 24, 2012 @ 5 am) - Saturday is the 2nd Anniversary of Brain Surgery
You know the thing about a near death experience is it really puts your life in perspective. I've realized it doesn't do this for just you, it affects those around you too. But, you have a choice in it that no one else does, you have a choice to make it positive or negative for YOU. I'm not saying that it doesn't affect those around you, cause it does, often time just as drastically, but only you can change you! They're responsible for them and if they change as an effect of experiencing this event so be it, I only hope it's for the positive. But YOU can make a decision to look for the good within or focus on the bad.
As I look over my day, I have 'normal' stuff on my agenda. I know that probably sounds weird for you, you might even say, yeah everyone does, but if you've been striving to be 'normal' again then this statement might give you a little insight into my here and now. For two years, I've struggled to return to 100% since a life altering experience. In reality, I really wasn't 100% before this event. In fact, the last time I remember 'normal' is the day before Halloween 2009. I don't like to ruminate on my old 100%, its too painful at times. I'm not sure if that reaction is acceptance or avoidance. I'll hope it's acceptance, but if I'm honest with myself, it's probably both. My new 100% (which I think is still improving) is OK with me. If I linger on my perceived 'deficits', I lose the opportunity to heal and the miracle that is in that. I in essence shoot myself in the foot, I hinder myself from seeing what truly has happened, what God has done. I'm confident God is and will use me as I am, in my new state. Thankfully all He asks of me is my willingness to serve Him!
As I write this it's 5 am and I'm pedaling away at the gym, listening to the news, and having a conversation with my workout buddy (Hi Dad). Here's for multitasking. If I stop and just look at where I am, I realize how far I've come. Enter side note: I'm not sure I will ever grasp truly how far I've come (because I don't remember what I looked like those first days), but I remember how I felt and I know I've come a long way and I'm thankful for that.
Two years ago, it all could have turned out much differently. In honesty, I have a hard time thinking about that. I don't like to think about the could have's, especially when it comes to my husband & precious boys. I've so enjoyed watching my boys continue to grown & change these last two years. I haven't always enjoyed the power struggles I have with them, but I suspect it's not only normal, but just the start, regardless I love the way they make me laugh and smile. To hear Zach give my painful arm a 'blessing' (prayer) without me requesting it or the way he says Mom and runs to me after an absence. To Kadin's scream of Mom in delight when I walk into his room in the morning or after nap or how he is so loving as he crawls up into my lap just to be with me. As I write this, I have to stop myself and be grateful. I remember those days in the hospital when nothing I saw was the horrible deficits and repeatedly asking, "will they still love me?" One of the best gifts were the visits the boys made to me in the hospital. To Kadin having to come in a closed isolette to my ICU room to prevent him from catching the 'yuckiness' going around to Zach crawling in my bed to test all the controls. It was really physically and emotionally taxing on me every time these visits occurred because I so desperately feared their rejection. Instead, they just loved their Momma. My family did a great job of preparing Zach for what had happened and at the end he was just focused on when I was coming home and what kind of sucker he could have during his visit. Kadin was content letting me feed him, burp him and snuggle him when I was finally strong enough to. What memories, good and bad!
Despite it all, I'm THANKFUL it happened as it did. I have learned so much and have experienced so much. I am still saddened by parts of it that may remain forever, but I'm happy by how it's impacted my life.
Thank you to my Husband, Children, Parents, Siblings, In-laws, other family and friends. Thank you so much for the encouragement, support, love, and prayers you've showered on me. It has been a blessing and I'm forever grateful for your sacrifice.
Thank you to the Doctors. Nurses, Therapists, health care aides. I appreciate your assistance in making my recovery as good as it could be. Thank you for the encouragement, support and sometimes swift kick in the butt. I am blessed to have met you and I'm grateful for your care and concern.
Thank you most importantly to God! You have rescued me and I'll never be the same. Thank you for each person you placed in my life during this experience. Thank you for loving me and using me exactly where I was. I am so grateful and thankful for what has happened. May YOU be glorified!
One song that I was listening to on the way to the gym this morning seemed to summarize how I feel.... you can find a youtube video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0wn7dqdhQE
Below are the lyrics....
"Search My Heart"
Search my heart
And search my soul
There is nothing else
That I want more
Shine Your light
And show Your face
In my life
Lord have Your way
Hear my cry
And hear my prayer
Draw me close
I know your near
Give me strength
And give me grace
To walk with You
Lord, all my days
So with all my heart and all my soul
With all I am, Lord, I will follow You
You took the cross, You took my shame
Restored my life, now I live to worship You
Without You I am nothing
Without You I am nothing
Without You I am nothing