I look to Kadin & realize that it has been four years since my surgery and I'm overcome with emotion. I didn't realize until recently that February is a tough month for me. I'm overjoyed that my baby is growing up and that I've been tumor free for so long but, I'm also feeling a little out of sorts too. It's almost as if I can't put my finger on the right emotion or there are too many that I can't label them all. I know I feel sad, desperate, happy, thoughtful, angry, mournful, reflective, blessed, hurt, cheated, stretched, and much more. Most days I'm sad that this happened, but thankful it did. Is that possible? Does that make sense? Without it, I wouldn't be who I am today and for the most part I like me better. I still struggle with my feelings about the way I walk & talk, but with God's help, I've conquered quite a bit in both those arenas. I'm still hopeful things are/will change in those areas, but I'm also working on acceptance, which has been a huge, dry, awkward, sour pill to swallow. I can only pray that God continues to help me with this. I've been so blessed to be surrounded by family & friends (new & old) that accept me fully.
As I sit on my couch this morning, drinking coffee & writing this, knowing my boys will be up any minute, I'm feeling blessed! I can remember how I felt in ICU when I thought about my future & the role I played in it. I was so sure it would have been much different. I didn't see myself able to be so involved and although at times, I wish to take a moment & unplug, I'm beyond grateful that I can do all these things. Things like taking your kids to school or sports practice, helping in their classrooms, trips to the store or to visit Daddy at work, I didn't think were possible and I think most people forget the luxury of that. I can say selfishly, I do. There are days when I don't want to go to the store & get groceries, or cook dinner, go to swimming/hockey practice/games, brush teeth, do laundry, but I must AND I need to be Thankful I can. Is this easy????? Heck No & it takes a ton of effort & some days I fail miserably, some days I get it only half right & occasionally I feel grateful and get it all right.
So after 4 years, I'm still learning. I'm praying things go forward.
Thanks for listening to my rants.