Well another Thanksgiving survived. I don't mean to sound negative it's just busy and I long for the days where it's not as busy, but still filled with those I love and yummy food. Last year this time, I was still on the feeding tube 100%. I remember sitting at the table at my Dad & Mom#2's and watching everyone enjoy all my favorite foods It was really sad! Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday for a number of reasons. I love that it's premise is 'having a thankful heart,' if only we had this 365 days of the year. I love the emphasis on family & tradition. I love that everyone contributes. I love how the weather cooperates, making it so beautifully snowy & frosty outside. I love that the Great Alaska Shootout lures my INCREDIBLE God Parents, Steve & Cheryl to town. I love coffee dates with the ladies of my family at Bells in the middle of their black Friday shopping & that Darren is willing to watch the boys so I can be part of this. I love knowing that in the days after Thanksgiving, we, my little family, will decorate our house for Christmas! I love that Darren has a four day weekend, I'd much rather co-parent :) I just love Thanksgiving!
I've got so much to be thankful for. I'm alive! I am doing really well in so many things. I think people still expect that I should be permanently in a wheelchair. But, I'm not, thanks be to God. I still notice improvements at 22 months post op, when I 'should be done at 18 months.'. I get to be an active participant in my family. Case in point: Thanksgiving night, I GOT to hold my little man and console him after he woke up in the middle of the night screaming in pain. It was such a blessing to my soul to cradle him as he cried and knowing that he wanted his Mama. I remember being in the hospital during those many first weeks of Kadin's life, saddened by the fact I was missing all those sweet cuddly moments with a newborn, wondering if he would still love me even though I missed them. It was a great feeling when he'd come into rehab and snuggle into me and fall asleep. It was difficult for me at that time because I had so many limitations and emotional barriers that really prevented me from truly enjoying that. But, God is good! He let me relive that sweet moment this Thanksgiving. Sure Kadin was a bit bigger and he had a tummy ache that only medicine (thank you Mylicon) could fix, but you couldn't argue that he wanted his Mama. And, I was happy to oblige and SO THANKFUL I could.
I could go on & on about how Good God has & continues to be to me. I'm trying really hard to always have an attitude of gratitude regarding the tumor. I KNOW there was a reason for all of this! I may not pinpoint the exact reasoning why God allowed it to happen, but I'm so grateful & thankful for this journey.
I've been thinking a lot lately and the idea of Modern Day Heroes comes to mind. True they don't wear Lycra & don't fly, but they have something even better... God!
My modern day heroes are not powerful leaders or savvy business people, they are ordinary folks with incredible spirits.. some of them are: Glen Norris, Angelle Lagstrom, Michael B, Auntie Jan, Cousin Jake and Katherine Wolf. I admire qualities of so many around me, in fact I could go on & on & on, but these wonderfully remarkable folks have (& are still looking) adversity in the face and are not only confronting it, but doing it with grace, dignity, resilience, courage, strength, prayer, and love. I've learned so much about how truly remarkable people can be. I just want to publicly THANK each one of them for sharing their story/life with me. It's a TRUE honor to be witness to such a beautiful story. THANK YOU!
This holiday season, may you TRULY give THANKS to the one whose given it all for you! May you feel HIS spirit in the quiet moments as you watch the falling snow or the glow of the Christmas tree.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Over the past few weeks I've had struggles with this and it seems to be cathartic for me to write.I guess if you gave permission for a person to be upset, you might allow me some grace. BUT, I have to stop myself & pick myself up & move on. I cannot wallow! It is pointless and I have so much to be thankful for.Apparently, God knew I needed a blessing & the opportunity to give Him credit for my recovery because this morning He gave it to me. After my early morning workout, I headed to the grocery store to buy a few groceries and I had a great moment. I was getting a salad at the salad bar and had a brief exchange with the store employee who stocked the supplies. She noted my voice and I briefly explained what had happened to me. She told me her daughter had a brain tumor too and she asked where & what kind I had. I told her and her daughter had the same type & came through it without any problems. I initially had two reactions - yeah for them & I wonder how often that happens compared to my outcome. As our conversation continued I went on to explain my initial deficits and how this has been an awesome opportunity to give God the glory. She told me that she had stomach cancer and God healed her. We talked about how people ask us, why you? We both said, why not? I was so blessed by this. I think it is fine to feel sad about deficits I still have, but I need to CHOSE to use those feelings to work harder to move forward. I have new goals for myself.