Wednesday, January 25, 2012

laying it all out there

I think making yourself vulnerable is sometimes necessary for change, so here goes...

It's easy to update everyone on my physical recovery to this brain tumor, but recovery goes so much deeper.

You change! What you've been through & what's to come, changes the person you use to be. I've always tended to be quiet about sharing 'heart matters' cause I've been burned so many times. In reality, who hasn't? I'm sure we've all had times that we've made ourselves vulnerable only to have someone we least expected tarnish that moment. Instead of limping away as a hurt dog, I'm going to take a leap of faith and share with y'all a vulnerable issue I have. Please tread carefully on this information, I share it with hesitation.

From the furthest memory I have, I've always wanted to be a Mom. At times, I am in awe of my children at other times, I'm scratching my head, left wondering what happened. I've had a lot of these scratching head moments lately and at times I'm brought to tears. I just don't understand the behaviors that seemingly inhabit my children from time to time. Before I had children, I heard about the 'terrible two's ' and then some friends said, 'just wait til they're three'... Well one son is four and it hasn't passed and the other is almost two and we're upon it again. I hope I don't seem as if I'm complaining, I'm just hoping to normalize toddler behaviors.

Despite those tough moments, I have incredibly wonderful ones too. It's those moments that get me through the head scratching moments. Just today, I had one of those moments with each boy. After dropping Zach off at Preschool, Kadin & I went to visit Daddy at work. It was the first time we went for a visit & didn't need Darren's help. It was so liberating & fulfilling for me. It was fun to see the excitement Kadin had for visiting his Daddy at work without his brother. A year ago, I wasn't sure this was possible, The other moment occurred when Kadin & I arrived to pick Zach up from school. He usually runs over to me and hugs my legs, but today was different. His snow hat was on his head crooked covering a tear stained face. I kneeled down to find out what was wrong. He continued to cry and say that no one wanted to play with him. I asked about whether or not his best friend, Quinn, was there today and he nodded that he was there. He kept crying and Miss Shawna, his teacher, came over & explained what had happened. Apparently Zach was throwing snow up in the air & some of it went into Quinn's coat, causing him to cry. Another teacher took Quinn inside to clean out the snow and calm him down. It was heartbreaking to hear Zach's distress. You never want your children to suffer so this was horrible, but I was so glad to be there to comfort him. I drug Zach over to Quinn & his Mom to apologize. We tried to mend fences, but only time will tell. I hope that the I'm sorry card were sending Quinn will help Zach move forward and realize his best friend really likes him.

It was good to watch my little men in action. They amaze me daily and I know we will get through the tough times and come through it even stronger.

Thanks for listening!


1 comment:

  1. Thanks for taking a chance to be vulnerable. I love you! :)