Heavy Heart but Rejoicing None the Less

Yesterday was a tough day! I had a I HATE TUMORS day and it seemed as if nothing but venting to my mom helped. Thankfully, it is out of my system today. I did receive some bad news today about a lady who has been on my heart. A few weeks ago she suffered two brain aneurysm's and unfortunately those where too much for her body to handle. God called her home last night and she was obedient. In moments like this, I rejoice in the fact that she knew Him and He couldn't wait to hold her in His loving arms once she got passed those pearly gates. I do morn with her family that now has to come to gripes with such a loss. I can't even begin to imagine. Having someone go through similar experiences as me and not survive has made my situation even more real to me. That could have been me. WOW. I praise God that I am still here and working hard daily to get better. Please remember to pray for Mary's family as they figure out what to do now. I know that I will and that God will use this experience as a means of declaring Himself to others. What a great new beautiful angel He has.

I also convinced my sister to take me to the store after physical therapy today. My mission was to buy some bright, beautiful flowers for a friend whose father is on his death bed with two brain tumors. It is funny how God works in your life. I had a plan to do this this morning but I kept pushing it aside saying I wasn't ready to see my former co-workers. God, on the other hand, knew better. He kept reintroducing this idea to me throughout the morning and when I finally asked if it was my plan or God's, I knew it was His and I had to do it. Unfortunately, my friend was not there, but another told me she would drop off the flowers to my friends house after work. What a doll she is. So while I was there, I visited with my former co-workers who had not seen me since before my scare and operation. Many tears were shed and hugs given. I was able to remind them that God had done it all and to confirm to them that He was responsible for my recovery. It was great to see them all, though being in the spot light was a little overwhelming for me. I know that many of these people have and continue to pray for me. I am so thankful for that.

So despite yuckiness in the world, there is also good. Sometime we just have to change our focus. Thank you to everyone who has taught me this. May this be a reminder to you to tell those that you love, you love them, as we never know when it will be too late. So instead of grumbling and complaining, I am choosing to sing "Oh Happy Day."

Blessing

Just wishin and hopin and prayin and doin

Okay, so I quoted a song from a chick flick... can anyone guess??? Apparently, I still have my cognitive abilities. Today, I went to see my Neurologist and she is sure that the seizures I suffered in the ER and during the MRI, were related to my tumor indirectly, but were directly related to the hydrocephalus I had as a result from the growth of my tumor. That is what I thought too. Now, I have to have a follow up EEG and assuming all is well there (pray for no spikes), I will be weaned off the Keppra (anti-seizure) medication. Assuming I have no seizures from that process, I will be cleared to drive :0) Gotta get these darn eyes fixed too. I am praying that God will realign them on His own - NO MORE SURGERIES, pretty please with a cherry on top. I go in next week to see my Neurosurgeon to schedule my follow up MRI and to ensure nothing else is growing. I don't need any more little uninvited friends in my head. My physical therapist and speech therapists rock! They both are super positive and through some more hard work, we hope to be wrapping up physical therapy in the next few months and swallowing with no more feeding tube. Please continue your prayers for this. This week I was able to swallow multiple times in a row of a warmed soup, yeah for me! I am really excited. I am not allowing myself to get too far ahead, but I am super ready for this. God has been an awesome provider and healer through this entire process. It is amazing to look back at pictures of me the day of surgery, in ICU, Rehab, and now. Boy have I changed. I am certainly not the same me. In fact, I am relearning what it is like to be the new me and I believe I have surprised a few people. Thank you again for all the prayers, I know they have been heard. Please continue your prayers too. I am including a picture that it totally me BT (before tumor) and I apparently haven't lost it (my need to do it all in ONE trip). Maybe I will outgrow that? Yeah, right! I am sure I was corralling Zach too, he just probably ran out of the picture. But there it is, me with my arms loaded with groceries and doing it all in ONE trip :0)

Blessings!

Grandpa's 95th Shindig

We just returned from a weekend on the river. We celebrated my Grandpa's 95th birthday. Wowie! Just a few months ago we were welcoming Kadin into this world. then I was fighting for life, and we reached full circle and celebrated Grandpa's birthday. He is simply incredible and as my Uncle puts it, he is responsible for this all, meaning the four generations of my family that were represented. We missed a lot of family, but overall had an excellent time. Grandpa as always enjoyed his chocolate cake and icing, which I had the honor of baking. As I hear, it was yummy! Thank you Pillsbury! It is amazing to think of all that my Grandpa has done and what he has been through. During times like these it makes me miss my Grandma, his love of 60+ years. I do think that she was sitting up in Heaven gazing down on the day, just whispering sweet nothings into his ear as he dozed off in his chair. My sister and I shared camera duties and got some great pictures of those that were there. My sister got an awesome picture of my Grandpa with his cake proudly displaying the numbers 95! What an accomplishment. He is certainly an excellent man of God who has created a beautiful legacy to which I am so proud to be part of.

Side note: I am including the picture of my Grandpa with his cake in my blog, but I had to proudly display my new favorite piece of clothing given to me by my sister in my screen picture. It states "a brain tumor messed with the wrong chick." Gotta love it. Yes, that tumor did pick the wrong chick, but hey better me than someone else :0)

Blessings!

Questions

Ever have one of those days where you feel as if all you have is unanswered questions churning around in your head? I have felt that way for the past almost 5 months. The biggest question I remember asking my husband, Darren, after this all transpired was "when will this bad dream end?" I remember answering that for myself a few days later when I kept waking up to the same reality, knowing that I could never really dream that vividly. But life as it seems, continues to generate more and more questions that I am unable to answer. It seems that everyone wants to know "why me?" If I had a great answer to that, I would happily share, but although I don't know the right answer, I am confident that God is and will use it for His purpose. Maybe it all happened to bring my family closer, maybe it happened so I would realize that I am truly blessed with a remarkable husband, children, family and friends. I have a lot of maybes but no certainties. Maybe I am not to know!

Other questions that seem to fill my mind are: is my recovery normal? When will I be better? What does better look like? Has this changed who I am? What do people with my type of tumor lose (i.e. walking, talking, swallowing)? What did my tumor look like? Will it come back? Will anyone else I know suffer this too? Is this the end?

I don't know the answers to these questions either, but I remain faithful to God stating that He will never leave me or forsake me. I find confidence in the fact that He is experiencing this with me.

I look back often at the pictures that were taken in the hospital and I wish there was one of me right after surgery. I want to see what I looked like, how swollen everything was, how I appeared. I remember moments during that time and it all seemed hopeless. Thankfully, I was surrounded by amazing family, nurses, and doctors who refused to let me accept defeat no matter how loudly I proclaimed it... and man did I sure ask for it. I know this is the toughest thing I have ever gone through, but overall, I am thankful for the opportunity to touch uncertain death and to fight my way back to life.

Update on therapy: Some of you know that I finished OT (occupational therapy) last week. In PT (physical therapy), I am running, jumping, walking, hoping, pushing and such. I have even ridden a bike! Because of this, I am the only adult I know with a righteous tricycle. You may laugh, but I have made huge strides. In ST (speech therapy), I continue to work on swallowing. Today, I swallowed a dime size of pistachio gelato. Yummy... the reason for the small amount is because to learn to swallow you first have to practice it and right now my esophagus is not opening wide enough for larger items.

Thank you for listening. Remember if you have questions, please feel free to let me know and I would be happy to answer them for you.

To those who wonder if I crave food b/c of my NPO (not eating by mouth) status, the answer is "yes, I do." I am able to chew things up and spit them out. Sorry to gross anyone out, but that gives my mouth and tongue exercise and helps me to learn where foods are in my mouth and throat.

Thanks again for all the encouragement and well wishes.

P.s. Kara - my cravings are definitely normal stuff - pizza, salad, anything

P.s. Mollers - I would love cupcakes as soon as I am up for them

Blessings!

I LOVE FOOD!

To be perfectly honest, I am a foodie. Whenever I am hugry, bored, emotional, etc I eat. It doesn't have to be sweet or salty, it just has to be good. In fact, I would probably make a nutrionist pass out by just hearing some of the things I have consumed. Not only am I a foodie, but I am also an emotional eater. When I am sad. I eat. When I am happy, I eat. When I am bored, I eat. I never need an excuse to chow down. You'd probably think I was rather large, but in fact I am perfectly average. I love healthy food just as much as the processed crap out there. I remember what I last ate... okay not trying to pull anything past you. You are probaably saying, so do I smarter, that was my lunch an hour ago. But for me, my last time eating was February 24,2010. I had a can of Dr. Pepper and two advil to tame the headache that would not go away. I have been eating through a tube since about February 28,2010 when one was shoved down my nose and into my intestines. Apparently, I didn't like that too much or I knew another fate was coming and I ripped that out during a dream in the middle of the night. I remember it all too! Ouch! It hurt going in but it was worse coming out. Then a day or so later, a PEG tube was put through my stomach. I won't gross you out with all the details of how it got there, but I will tell you that I remember that too. The pain was excruciating and I can honestly say I never want to go through that again.

So hear I am, almost 5 months later and 15 pounds lighter than my admit weight, eating Jevity, liquid nourishment, through a tube in my tummy. Speech Therapy is progressing and swallowing is coming along, it just takes a while. I am now starting to crave things, which hadn't happened before. I hope this is a sign from my brain that eating is just around the corner. HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE

As you may have noticed my backdrop to my blog is a cheeseburger :0) In fact, my graduation gift from therapy is a trip to In-N-Out in California, where I can enjoy a yummy cheeseburger, fries, and shake while enjoying the sun. Let's pray it is sooner than later. You see, swallowing is a complex function that we did in the womb and never had to learn, it just came natural. Except for me - now. I try lots of new foods with my speech pathologist and have swallowed small bites (eraser size) of hot fudge, pringles, cheese puffs, jello, soda, etc. We try different textures all in an attempt to get my mouth to work together as my tongue is still sluggish. I have come a long way in this regard too. I told my Speech Pathologist that I would be having pizza at Zach's 3rd birthday party, which is this September, and she liked my goal.

So back to food - as a foodie before, I have become rather obsessed with food. I am constantly looking for receipes to prepare and cooking tons of food without taste, just by sight and smell. According to my husband, he wouldn't cook for us if he were in this position, but he certainly has enjoyed the fruits of my labor. My Motheer-in-law didn't know I could cook until I came home and started trying new things. I wore out my crock pot and have purchased at least a dozen new cook books.

I look forward to the day I can finally enjoy a meal and get rid of this PEG tube. I crave the funniest thing from day to day. As soon as I reach my journey, I will be sure to share it with you.

Blessings!

Little Ones

I am still amazed that I am a mother of two boys. They have grown so quickly while I am left here scratching my head, wondering what I missed. Today, Kadin rolled over for the first time. He did it for his Gappy Luann, but I can't help but be a little sad to have missed it. I was doing speech therapy, which is good too, but I am a little selfish about those things. I know I missed his first smile and laugh too while I was in the hospital recovering. I am reminded by many that there is plenty of time to enjoy all that he has yet to discover. While he works on bodily movements, my oldest Zach, is working on mental movements. He will actually carry on a conversation with you, and it makes sense. When did this happen? They are growing so fast and I love being here to witness it all. This reminds me that God is in control of our future. This weekend much of my family will gather together to celebrate the patriarch of the family (my Grandpa's) 95th birthday. What a treasure he certainly is and an excellent example he has set before us. I can't wait!

URGH! I am not sure how to put this... so here goes.... I haven't seen many people since I have been home from the hospital for many reasons, but primarily it is due to the stress that it has on me/my body. I am however always amazed at how people look at me. It feels as if they think I should be in a wheel chair drooling on myself. It seems as if everyone is so amazed that I look normal. Although at times I feel far from that, by appearance I still look the same. I am attaching a current picture so that everyone can see what I really look like. I have pictures of myself in the hospital but I am not ready to share those yet.

Thanks for the continued prayers! I really do appreciate them.

Blessings.

First Time

Okay, so I know my title is a little lacking, but when you experience something for the FIRST TIME, you tend to remember it. Well, kind of. I don't remember my first bite, first step, first laugh, first sneeze, first yawn and such of childhood. But, after surviving a brain tumor in which I am encountering these firsts again, I am profoundly grateful. You see when I came out of surgery, I couldn't walk, talk, or eat. Now I am walking (sans walker), albeit a little wobbly (just picture how a drunk person staggers = me). I remember the first time I stood up in ICU and was assisted by LeeAnne and CeCe to a chair close by. Man were those first steps scary and agonizing. I know I had done that action before, but my mind just wouldn't do what my brain said. I remember my first time trying to communicate, I couldn't speak so I used the next best thing I could do, sign language. Unfortunately, the only person who semi-understood me was my sister. Thankfully, she was in the waiting room. I think I really stretched her that day, remembering back into our childhood. I know I will remember the first time I get to drink and eat as my miniature swallows are quite torture some. I WANT THE REAL FOOD! I remember my first sneeze (two actually). My Dad was in my room when they happened in Rehab and he looked at me and I said to him, "I just sneezed for the first time" I remember my first burp - my Brain Surgeon found out that I had a love for Dr. Pepper and he gave my nurses an order for some in my peg tube (stomach tube). It made me burp up Dr. Pepper instead of my nasty food Jevity. I still use Coca Cola to clean out my tube and unclog it. Works like a charm :0)

Today, I finally had my first yawn! Some of you are probably rolling your eyes and saying "so what?" It is a big WHAT! This means that my brain is still at work healing itself. What an awesome God, that He allows me to experience these tiny accomplishments. I have come a long way. Yesterday, I heard a message that I left on my Mom's voicemail, while I was in Rehab. I am astonished by how different I sound. It is really hard when I find an old recording of me talking or singing - talk about a direct punch to the gut. In working on my voice, I can again sing a whole octave and can sing parts of songs. I am in awe of this whole process. I am getting better and it is only by God's faithful and awesome grace. Our Pastor talked today about commitment verses vowing. Anyone can vow to do something, but making and following through a commitment is where you see reward. Thank you Romans 12: 1-2 (1) Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. (2)Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Thank you for listening!

Prayer Request: Please pray - On Thursday a friend of a friend (in her 50's or 60's) suffered two aneurysms, one they inserted a coil, to stabilize it, and the other had already burst, so they repaired and are draining blood and fluid from her brain. She is in induced paralysis for at lest 2 days for healing, and prevention of further damage. Long term effects are of course not predicted yet. She has had one of my former favorite nurses in ICU and so I know she is in good hands medically. Overall, I know that she is in the best hands possible, God's. Please pray as she begins this new journey - I ache for her, her husband, and the close friends that told me about her. I remember what it was like and I pray that she wakes up renewed, re-energenized and responsive with an awesome testimony.

Blessings!

Angel Baby, Miracle Baby

Over the past 30 years I have acquired quite a few nicknames. Some I have kept and some fell by the way side. Since I became a parent, I thought it only right that my children learn this tradition from me. I call both my boys Bubba, I think I got it from my friend, but as soon as I used it on my children, it just felt right. They have also acquired recent nicknames from me. Zach my almost 3 year old is my Angel baby, while Kadin, my 5 month old is my Miracle baby. The story behind these names ultimately makes sense. Don't get me wrong. all children are miracles, some just earn the name doing great things or being great. Both of my children received these names from me when I remembered in ICU. I remember February 24, 2010 just as if it was yesterday. I don't want to go back and live through the past few months again, but i do have that day permanently embedded into my brain. Hence the names! You see that day started like any other. I fed Zach his breakfast, gobbled something down with a Dr. Pepper and some advil for my splitting headache. They boys and I sat down on the couch so that I could feed Kadin. About an hour and a half after feeding Kadin, I tried to move but a horrible pain shot up my back and I was unable to unfold my legs. I thought it was a fluke and that I must have been sitting wrong. As time passed on, the pain got worse and I set Kadin down on the couch while I climbed onto the floor. Before I knew it, pain shot all over my body and my head throbbed. I couldn't move at all. I had never been so scared in my life. With tears running down my face I asked my son Zach to go to my diaper bag, which was hanging in the mudroom. and grab my cell phone. He was so diligent and courageous as he tried his hardest to find what I was asking for. Because he couldn't find it, he instead drug his brother's car seat over asking where we were going. In the midst of my agony all I could do was hug my little boy and tell him "it's gonna be okay." Unfortunately, I didn't know if it was or not. I asked him to try again to get my cell phone. About this time Kadin started crying as it was time to eat. It took all my strength to crawl to the couch and lift him to me (remember he only weighed about 8 lbs now). I desperately tried to nurse him while Zach dug through my bag. I was unable to get Kadin to successfully feed so he began crying. I laid him down next to me an apologized to him. Zach saw the fear in my eyes and heard his brother crying and got the pacifier for him. He stood over the baby and said, "it's gonna be okay baby." The ever steady stream of tears came down ever faster and harder than before. I knew that I needed to call Darren so I drug myself across the floor and over to the counter in the kitchen. I slowly reached up the cabinets and felt for the phone. I called Darren and before he could finish his greeting, I uttered, "you need to come home now and you need to call your mom to watch the boys, something isn't right." After hanging up with him, I desperately tried my mom at work, no answer. After the third attempt without any luck, I tried my sister at work. By God's grace she had just moments earlier walked into her office. She answered the phone and heard me sob. "something's not right, call Mom and tell her we are going to the ER." She hung up and immediately called my Mom and Dad. Darren arrived home and then his mother followed right behind him. She quickly scooped up the babies while I quickly told her that Kadin would need to eat. Darren asked if he could drive me to the ER and asked me to stand. My legs wouldn't work at all. I said, "no, call 9-1-1." He did and moments later they were there hoovering over me. My blood pressure was off the roof and they decided that I needed to go in. They helped me try and stand and helped me walk out to the awaiting ambulance. Because I didn't seem incredibly sick, I got no sirens or lights (if they had only known :0). The EMT in the back of the ambulance had been there a few weeks earlier taking care of Darren when he broke his leg during a men's hockey game. We chatted about this and I felt normal. I even apologized for waisting their time by having to come get me. I think I thought that the ER was going to agree with me that I had migraines, put me on a stronger medication, not let me breastfeed for a few days, and then I would be fine. Well we all know now, that isn't what happened. We arrived at the ER shortly before noon and the EMT's escorted me to the room I would be in. The last thing I remember is one of the EMT's saying to me, "how do you feel?' to which I replied, "i don't feel so good." Then I apparently had my first grand mal seizure. They rushed me to a CAT scan where they noticed a mass inside my head. Due to this discovery, a MRI was ordered. I had another seizure during the MRI. They also confirmed that I had a tumor inside my brain right onto of the brain stem. Meanwhile, my family sat in the waiting room of the ER, huddled together. My oldest sister, Wendy, is an OBGYN in town and she cut through the ER to get my status and was told of the seizures, as the mass hadn't been discovered yet. She came out to the waiting room and tried to console my husband and family stating that it was probably preeccamplsia from my pregnancy with Kadin and relatively easy to treat. Once the tumor was discovered, all bets were off. I was moved to ICU and an operation was scheduled for the next day due to the extreme hydrocephalus. Dr. Kralick, an amazing brain surgeon, performed the resection. It is now clear to me how much God held onto that situation to make sure that I was gonna be okay. I don't remember those first few days well, but I do remember a lot from ICU/CCU, all of my time in PCU, and all my time in Rehab. You see Zach was my angel that day. If it wasn't for him and God, I may have seized on the floor and no one would have known. The ironic thing was that I had an MRI scheduled from my neurologist for the very next day because of my headings, unsteady gait (walk), and constant vertigo. They certainly would have found the tumor but the likely hood that Dr. Kralick would have operated on me in certainly unknown. I just continually praise God for His awesome power and grace that day. I am LUCKY to be alive, and I am not just saying that for show. Many of you do not clearly understand how close I really was to dying, not just that day, but some that followed. Thank you to many of you who kept me in constant prayer, it is because your willingness to ask the Lord that He granted my healing. Don't get me wrong, I have a long way to go to heal, but as many have stated to me, I am a WALKING MIRACLE. Praise God!

So now that you know why I call Zach my Angel baby, I call Kadin my Miracle baby because that is what he truly is. Doctors are still unsure of how long I had the tumor, but they can tell me that it fed off of my pregnancy, the extra blood, allowed it to grow strong and healthy. Because of my pregnancy, I also got vertigo (since October 2009) because of the hydrocephalus. He is a miracle because I made it through delivery. The day I delivered Kadin, I had another horrible headache and as I pushed him out the pain grew more intense. I was told that the pressure of pushing him out could have killed me because of the additional pressure on the brain. Praise God Again. I am alive and I have a super cute kid to prove it.

Hopefully, this shed a little light into my son's newest nicknames. I feel they are quite fitting. My only wish is that I will always remember God's hand in this situation instead of the fear that I felt and saw on my children's faces. Plus as Zach says it, "it was cool that Mommy got to ride in an Ambby Car (ambulance)."

Blessings!

“We do not remember days, we remember moments." - Cesare Pavese

“We do not remember days, we remember moments." - Cesare Pavese

This is one of my favorite quotes and this is one of my favorite days. Lets see, where to start, let's go easy first...Today was my final day of OT (occupational therapy). I have made enough improvements to move on and with all the work I do at home as a Mom, I stay busy enough to keep up OT -like behaviors. The funny thing about this situation is that when I first met my OT, I felt that she was really abrupt and I misconstrued her words, which devastated me. So I thought, why not let her get to know the 'real' me. Each session, three times a week, for months, I showed up to therapy ready to work hard with a smile on my face. She commented to me often that my positive attitude was odd to her and then I laid the big guns down... I told her I thought there was a reason for everything. She asked what the reason for my brain tumor had been, and I simply replied, I don't know, but I do know that God is in charge of it all and I have already learned so much. She seemed astonished by my answer and often asked in later sessions if I was always 'so happy.' At one point hinting that I might be delirious. I would just respond with 'why ask, why me... why not ask, why not me?' I have so much to live for and am grateful for so much. There are many lessons for me along this path and I know God is using it for His purpose. Although we developed a good relationship, I am glad to check that off my list.

Swallowing still goes well... people often ask.... "well, are you swallowing?" It depends, what is your definition? If you mean, 'can I just sit down and eat a burger and fries,' then the answer is no. If you mean 'you are not swallowing at all,' the answer is no. You see, swallowing is a complex process that we are born with. You hopefully will never have to learn it. Each time you put something into your mouth it can go two ways - once to the esophagus (where food goes) or to the lungs (where you breathe). In order for this complex system to work the food/drink must work appropriately in your mouth, travel down your throat and into your esophagus, a tiny tube that expands for the amount of food/drink you have sent down. You have to have your soft palate rise, your vocal chords close, your epiglottis flap... it all takes seconds to ensure you do not aspirate (what we call - having it go down the wrong pipe) or choke. Because of my inability to swallow, I aspirate daily or multiple times daily. After my surgery, my left vocal chord was paralyzed too and my soft palate would not rise. Although I desperately need all of this to work to swallow, I also need it for speaking. So back to swallowing, when I am monitored by my ST (speech therapist), I attempt to swallow items the size of a pea. You start small then work your way us. Yes, I have successfully swallowed some stuff to include hot fudge, pringles, carbonated beverages (i.e. soda), soup, and much more. Sure it is while before I get to enjoy a yummy meal, but for now I am making progress and will not accept not swallowing as a defeat.

The final thing and the SUPER PRAISE GOD is - I do not have VHL. Yeah! I am so excited. VHL is a genetic gene that carries tumors through your body. A hemangioblastoma (my tumor type) is one of the predictors, along with tumors of the eyes, spine, and kidneys. It is called Von-Hippel Lindau Syndrome. Because I did not test positive, I did not pass this gene onto my children, my biggest concern. At my 6 month mark (next month) I have follow up MRI (head) and EEG (seizures). I also visit the eye doctor again for my double vision and to see whether or not I need eye surgery, which if you know me well, I hate to have people near my eyes. I have given it all to God to resolve in His manner and I am grateful that He is willing to take the reigns.

For now I continue in PT (physical therapy) and ST (speech therapy), thankful for all that God has done for me and I hope through me.

Blessings!

Thankful

I am so THANKFUL for so many things...

I am going to start naming them all...

• God's grace
• My Husband
• My Kiddos
• My Family
• My Friends
• FOOD - b/c I am NPO status (not able to eat via mouth)
• Good books
• Laughter
• Making things for other people
• Scrap booking
• Cooking & Baking
• My amazing life
• ETC.

Have you done this for yourself?

It really reminds you how truly THANKFUL we should be.

Blessings Today to You!

Unbelievable

Yesterday I found out that next Tuesday is my final OT (occupational therapy) session. WOWIE! I must be getting better, huh? I am excited and scared at the same time. I am glad to have that off my plate since I do so much OT type work at home, but I am scared this is as good as it gets. I don't want to accept that! I want to be close to 'normal' again. It is funny when 'normal' people say I am 'normal', if they only knew what I felt and experienced on a daily basis, they wouldn't feel 'normal' either. I feel far from what the world says is 'normal' and I guess I may feel this way for a while. I do know that I am grateful to have come this far and I will continue to work on the rest of my therapies to become better. Thanks for listening - I may vent from time to time.

Exhausted

I am exhausted. No one told me that having a major operation would still continue to wipe me out months later. I shouldn't complain because I have less problems than many of the people I see at therapy. I am just grateful to be ALIVE! I was thinking about that today and how blessed my family and I are because I am here. Sorry for the morbid talk, it's just things like that hit you every once in a while, and they are better to confront than not. I am so glad that my parents didn't have to pull together a funeral service, that my boys didn't have to whisper goodbye to me one final time, and that my husband didn't have to imagine life without me. I of course am grateful for my second chance at life and I intend to use it for good. I started this blog so that I could share my thoughts and feelings with those that I care about and invite them to respond back how my experience in turn made them feel. I have been beyond blessed to have my family and friends around me during this time and for their constant love, support, encouragement, and prayers. I will never forget what I felt in that hospital and how desperately I wanted to come home and be with my family. I look forward to family dinners and events where I can finally feel 'normal' again. Toodles for now, I have to make some of my own creation chicken enchiladas. Some day I will explain the food obsession... but for now - God Bless!

Beginning

Well here is my first posting on my blog. Yes, I do have a blog. Funny, I know! I started this so that family and friends could catch up on my recent status without waiting for an email from my mom or sister. Hopefully it will clearly convey what I am currently up to and what to expect in the future. For now, I would love suggestions of what I should include. Thanks for all your continued support, encouragement, love, and prayers. Keep it coming as it has been a giant blessing to me.