Ever have one of those days where you feel as if all you have is unanswered questions churning around in your head? I have felt that way for the past almost 5 months. The biggest question I remember asking my husband, Darren, after this all transpired was "when will this bad dream end?" I remember answering that for myself a few days later when I kept waking up to the same reality, knowing that I could never really dream that vividly. But life as it seems, continues to generate more and more questions that I am unable to answer. It seems that everyone wants to know "why me?" If I had a great answer to that, I would happily share, but although I don't know the right answer, I am confident that God is and will use it for His purpose. Maybe it all happened to bring my family closer, maybe it happened so I would realize that I am truly blessed with a remarkable husband, children, family and friends. I have a lot of maybes but no certainties. Maybe I am not to know!
Other questions that seem to fill my mind are: is my recovery normal? When will I be better? What does better look like? Has this changed who I am? What do people with my type of tumor lose (i.e. walking, talking, swallowing)? What did my tumor look like? Will it come back? Will anyone else I know suffer this too? Is this the end?
I don't know the answers to these questions either, but I remain faithful to God stating that He will never leave me or forsake me. I find confidence in the fact that He is experiencing this with me.
I look back often at the pictures that were taken in the hospital and I wish there was one of me right after surgery. I want to see what I looked like, how swollen everything was, how I appeared. I remember moments during that time and it all seemed hopeless. Thankfully, I was surrounded by amazing family, nurses, and doctors who refused to let me accept defeat no matter how loudly I proclaimed it... and man did I sure ask for it. I know this is the toughest thing I have ever gone through, but overall, I am thankful for the opportunity to touch uncertain death and to fight my way back to life.
Update on therapy: Some of you know that I finished OT (occupational therapy) last week. In PT (physical therapy), I am running, jumping, walking, hoping, pushing and such. I have even ridden a bike! Because of this, I am the only adult I know with a righteous tricycle. You may laugh, but I have made huge strides. In ST (speech therapy), I continue to work on swallowing. Today, I swallowed a dime size of pistachio gelato. Yummy... the reason for the small amount is because to learn to swallow you first have to practice it and right now my esophagus is not opening wide enough for larger items.
Thank you for listening. Remember if you have questions, please feel free to let me know and I would be happy to answer them for you.
To those who wonder if I crave food b/c of my NPO (not eating by mouth) status, the answer is "yes, I do." I am able to chew things up and spit them out. Sorry to gross anyone out, but that gives my mouth and tongue exercise and helps me to learn where foods are in my mouth and throat.
Thanks again for all the encouragement and well wishes.
P.s. Kara - my cravings are definitely normal stuff - pizza, salad, anything
P.s. Mollers - I would love cupcakes as soon as I am up for them