Friday, December 28, 2012


A few years ago when I had been home from the hospital, I often though about all the things I was now afraid I wouldn't be able to do.  Vacations missed, play dates that'd never be, activities with my boys that would sideline me.  The thought of all of this was overwhelming and it mad me very sad and angry to think about it.  I felt like I'd been Cheated!!!!! I was being forced to deal with horrible deficits from something I couldn't help.  I hadn't asked for this or behaved in a way that I felt earned the deficits I now had.  Enough of my venting :)

On this same thought I became determined to not let these deficits define me, but I would rather challenge them and become better. I still refuse to accept God is done in my healing journey!  I'm coming to accept that I'll probably never be 100%, but what does that mean anyway?  I still mourn for the losses I've faced, but I have to believe that God has a purpose in it.

The past two weeks I have challenged myself in new ways.  Sure being a volunteer at Zach's school monthly is a challenge, but I know it has a purpose & I believe it isn't just helping my son's class.  Last week, along with Zach, we met his best friend and his Mom for a play date.  Usually I would avoid these situations & send Darren as my proxy because there is so much anxiety & fear surrounding it.  I decided to go ahead with the play date for a few reasons: it'd be good for Zach & me, it'd force me to confront the fear & anxiety, the other Mom knows some of my story and is so gracious to me.  So VICTORY!  Am I ready to take both boys on a play date to a child crazed place? Heaven's No, but even Darren shies away from that, so I can't be too crazy, right?

The other victory is what my Mom would call Snow Mom.  Darren's sick and the other day he only worked half a day.  He returned home & I attempted to keep the boys away from him so that he could rest.  In my attempt, I tried to convince the boys to go outside & play in the fresh snow.  They said No and when I offered to go with them, they were suddenly on board.  I don't like the coldness of winter and I am usually a homebody during the winter so this was a monumental offering.  I dined snow gear and trenched through the snow with my boys for a hour so Darren could quietly rest.  I even took pictures!  These events are proof to me that God is still changing me.  Praise Him!!!!


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