I am so blessed. I am surrounded by family & friends that have accepted me, deficits and all. Unfortunately, sometimes life gets in the way of that and I end up with a hurt heart. I am not disillusioned to the fact I sound different from most people & I walk a bit off kilter, but it still hurts when I slam up against that wall, forcing my deficits forward in an unmistakable way. It takes so much courage for me to go out into public because I'm so worried about how i'll be received. I was recently asked by the director of Zach's preschool to join the preschool parental advisory committee. Doing these types of activities was a stretch before the tumor & now it seems highly unlikely. Instead of politely saying no, I said yes. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I mean this person knows my deficits & if she didn't feel I'd be an asset than she probably wouldn't ask, right? I attended the first meeting last night & we were encouraged to introduce ourselves to the group. As soon as I opened my mouth, I knew the secret was out. In speaking situations, I get flustered and that doesn't seem to help my speech difficulty at all. Instead of focusing on enunciating my words, I'm left searching for the correct words. Ugh!!!!! So maddening! Even now as I think about it I'm deeply saddened and angered at the same time. Let me tell you the internal dialogue I've got going on is a major bummer. Even recognizing that isn't helping me outta this funk. So now what do I do? I don't know. I could politely bow out of this commitment blaming my deficits and how I'd be more of a hinderance than help. I could stay and try to float on by, avoiding detection. I could embrace the deficits and push forward. I'm leaning toward running with my tail between my legs. I'm sick of always being the strong one who pushes forward. I'm sick of my walk. I'm sick of my voice! I'm sick of bottling up the anger about it all. I'm stuck! I'm grateful for all that Gods done, but I'm feeling bad for myself. This too will pass, I know, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I want to feel free to volunteer or get involved in something without fear, worry, apprehension, dread, and sadness at each turn. I'm sick of explaining myself to everyone while hoping I gain respect because of who I am than what ice been through.
I'm praying for acceptance, direction,focus, and continued healing.