Physical healing has been a breeze compared to emotional healing. None of it's been easy by any means, but I felt like I had no choice to get on with life and part of that was moving, talking & eating. In this, I think I pushed away the emotional impact this all has had on me. I'm still in protector mode. Some make think its denial, but I'm fully aware of what has happened and the effect it has had on my life. I just don't want to inconvenience anyone with processing my feelings so I've just pushed them away to deal with at a better time. It's not that I don't have amazing people who love & support me, it's just hard because no one knows what I'm going through just as I can't imagine what those around me have gone through. Because of the stuffing, I've dealt with little bits that have slipped out from time to time or I find an occassion that I'm in the right state of mind to deal with it. Processing these feelings stirs up a ton of fears for me: fear that I'm not ever gonna be normal, fear that it'll come back, fear of how my body will react to grieving (ie what will physically happen to my breathing if I start sobbing and my nose gets stuffy). One of these processing moments occurred the other day. I was getting ready for the day and Darren was home, so I was able to really dance on the tip of the iceberg. I had the radio going and usually I'd be singing to the radio, but ever since my tumor removal & my resulting speech, I remain silent. I struggle with Worship time at church because what I hear doesn't sound right to me. I'm embarrassed & ashamed & frustrated & sad by it all. This morning was different, as I was getting ready & trying to sing to the music, a song came on that I've heard many times. Never before had the lyrics been so alive & meaningful to me. The song was "Let it Fade" by Jeremy Camp. Click on the song title for a Youtube video of this song if you'd like to hear it. Here are the lyrics that were so powerful!
It stared me right in the face! It was as if God was saying
directly to me: "Jessica, let it go, it doesn't define you, I've created you for
more!". I just want to argue this saying "how can I be used if people have
a hard time understanding me?". "Why didn't I sing when I could, so many missed
opportunities to praise Him!". I think I've even drawn the conclusion you're not normal if you
don't sound normal. Please don't take this as my own personal pity party, I
just trying to sort through feelings & truths/lies. I haven't let go of
this, but I like to think I've made some headway. Just like the song says
'you'll find rest' and I pray I find a place where I can rest in this, knowing
my speech may never return in the way I expected, but accepting it and
trusting God has so much more for me.
SIDE NOTE: PRAISE - I went out to dinner with my family this past Friday and usually I select the menu item that will be the easiest, knowing I'll still take forever eating it and most likely bringing at least half home.... BUT.... I finished it all. I had my favorite off their menu, a bean & cheese burrito that was the size of the plate. I even took a picture of the clean plate, I should of taken one before hand but I jumped onto that before I even had a thought to. It was so yummy! Thanks again for the continued prayers on my swallowing, it still isn't back to normal but it is better than it was a year or even 6 months ago. Thank You Lord!