Monday, March 11, 2013

heart matters

I'm not sure how to start this! My brain feels discombobulated! Two many things pulling my thoughts, energy, attention & focus too many ways. Like this is no different from anyone else, right???

So, in an effort to get them more organized, I thought I'd share them.

First is the one the really pulls my heart strings. My friend Jitana, also my Nurse Case Manager through my recovery, contacted me Friday afternoon & told me that her friend was at the ER for a brain bleed. She also told me that this was a young woman (28) has a four month old. My heart instantly started pounding & my brain spun into a whirlwind, what can I do? From here? Answer: Pray and so I did. I contacted some close family and shared the request with them as I knew they'd know how to specifically pray for this woman & her family. On Saturday, Jitana told me that they had found a large tumor in the middle of her brain. Surgery was plausible, but Doctors weren't estimating they could get the entire tumor. Even so she'd be left with speech & cognitive deficits. I did the only thing I could do, I updated the prayer request & continued praying. I haven't heard anything in a few days, but I expect to today. Throughout the day my mind has been consumed with thoughts & prayers for this young woman & her family. Prayers would be appreciated! I know My God is powerful and capable of much more than we can ask for. I know He is a Mighty Healer and is present with this young lady & her family now. May His glory be evident in all things that transpire.

The other huge thing rattling around my brain is harder for me to express. Yesterday was a day full of highs & lows for me. We took Kadin to his first theater movie. He did fabulous! The only bummer was because of his allergies, he didn't get to fully enjoy the theater experience (popcorn). Thankfully they did have junior mints!!! After the movie, we decided to go sledding. When I say 'we' it's the boys & Darren and I'm there to watch & take pictures cause I can't maneuver up &down the big slippery hill. I got up to the top of the hill & down again without falling. Thank you Darren for your ever present help. But then as we walked across the playground, I met my match. I was trying to navigate the deceptively slippery terrains with my no traction fake Ugg's so that Darren could pull both boys behind him in the sled. I got about half way across the playground and fell down. In an attempt to pick myself off, brush off the snow and move on, I forgot to allow my brain a second to process what happened. Instead of proceeding with caution or grabbing a hold of Darren's outstretched hand, I plowed forward.  Can we say PRIDE issue???? Yep! I was only able to make it a step or two before my legs became entangled again and tossed me back to the snowy ground like a wet rag. I felt so many emotions boil up in me. Anger, annoyance, frustration, disappointment, fear and sadness. Instead of focusing on the good that'd happened so far in the day, I was instantly plagued by my failure. Hindsight bias is always 20/20 and I know now that anyone could have fallen on this slippery playground, in fact Darren almost fell when we first arrived. The act of failing didn't shout out to everyone that I couldn't walk very well or that years earlier I had to relearn to walk. No one stared, gawked, pointed or ridiculed me. The only judgement passed about the situation was by me. Swallow. I think I need to learn to give myself some grace, finally. It won't be easy, but I'm going to try and remember we all fall from time to time or we may sound different, but I don't need to always be so focused about expecting someone to point out what makes me different. I need to accept we are all different and without accepting myself wholly, how can I expect anyone else to? Like I've heard & repeated many times : God doesn't make mistakes.


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