Monday, February 25, 2013

3 years.... Already

Wow! I can hardly believe it. Three years ago Sunday, I was being ushered to the hospital to find out what was wrong. I walked to the awaiting ambulance (w/fireman help), no sirens and no lights. I talked with the EMT the whole way to the hospital about my husband Darren who had been his patient a few months before when he broke his leg during a men's league hockey game. I apologized for wasting their time in picking me up cause I'm sure others needed their aide more than I. I arrived at the ER minutes later & I think I walked into the ER. I was escorted to a hospital bed and I got on and the last thing I remember is one of the EMT's asking if I felt alright and I responded with 'no, I don't feel so good.' Boom! Grand Mal Seizure and then blank until bits from a few days later. I relive the moments before & in the days that follow rarely. I'm not sure if that's a coping mechanism or because of the time passed and I've begun to feel somewhat removed. I do know that this years it's presence is affecting me and I'm not sure why. Every time I hear a reference to Fur Rondy, the Winter Celebration that occurs this time of year, every year, I'm instantly transported to my ICU room (#2) that Nurse Shamese moved me in so that we (my family, cause I was still immobile) could enjoy the Fur Rondy dog races (mushing). In the years before, I hadn't particularly paid attention to Fur Rondy other than to note that the Empty Bowl took place the week after it, now, I feel strangely connected to it. Saturday night after Zach's hockey game, we loaded our family into the car and rushed down to Ship Creek to catch the Fur Rondy Fireworks. Things did not go as I hoped which made an even deeper impact to my wounded heart. I won't bore you with the details, it was just stupid stuff, but it impacted me still. You see, I'm trying hard to make positive memories out of a life shattering time.  I'm not willing to let the tumor win!  Sure things won't always turn out as I plan or hope, but I want my boys, my husband, me to have great memories of something fun we did together during this time, not to relive the fear, anxiety, sadness and uncertainty that my sickness covered us with. I win/ WE WIN! Ha! Take that Hemangioblastoma!

In all of it, I'm sure of a few things:

God is in complete control!
He was present through it all and He saved me!
My husband is incredible & he loves me so much (the feeling is mutual Babe ;) - I'm so thankful for you!
My boys are angels. (True they don't always act that way but, they warm my heart)
My family is amazing! Your sacrifices on my behalf are not forgotten. Thank you for loving me that much!
My prayer warriors are a complete blessing. I know He was listening.
My friends have been outstanding, supportive & encouraging.
My Doctors, Nurses & Therapists were hand picked.

Thank you for being part of this journey with me. May God be glorified in it all!!!!!


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