It's been crazy here the last few weeks cause Zach had spring break (2 weeks), Kadin got sick (asthma, double ear infection & sinus infection), and just life with two little active boys. I think we are over the hump... Or at least I hope! Zach is back in school and Kadin is on the mend.

I had my yearly MRI result appointment with Dr. Kralick this week and he again confirmed all is well. Yeah!!! Good to hear! Even at three years, I see changes still occurring. I am so thankful for Gods continual healing grace. I again brought in fun treats for Dr. Kralick. So much fun!

Celebration Coffee - A tradition for Darren & I after the appointment

MRI DVD and skull tumbler for Dr. Kralick

Brain cupcakes for Dr. Kralick

Thanks again for the continued prayers & support.

Blessings

my how time changes

Three years ago Tuesday, I moved from ICU to PCU. It made me nervous & scared, but Nurse Linda reminded me that they wouldn't move me unless I was ready. So here I was, another step closer to home. That first night in PCU was interesting. My Dad had his first sleepover which came with awkward moments like multiple assisted trips to the bathroom to make sure I was fine. We survived with limited sleep, my frequent bathroom breaks & the lady next door who wailed all night due to recovery from surgery.

Well here three years have passed and again it's a sleepless night. Kadin began sneezing Sunday and Monday the runny nose & coughing began. Tuesday was more of the coughing and congestion. He struggled with his breathing. I began using our at home nebulizer and was able to give him two doses before bed. He slept about 3 1/2 hours before he woke up and started crying and screaming. He was definitely struggling to breathe. I had to restrain him so Darren could hold the nebulizer mask on him. I know it sounds cruel & I will assure you it was torture but as any parent whose had to restrain their child for any health procedure it's horrible for all involved. I kept reassuring him that nice deep breaths would help him. He cried & screamed & thrashed. I tried to be strong emotionally and remember my job was to keep calm for him. After a few minutes, which seemed like eternity, he began to relax and I was able to release my hold. I finally could wipe away the tears and stroke his head. He broke my heart through those first moments as he screamed he did want to do it (the nebulizer) and through the mask it sounded like he said 'I'm dying." You never want to hear this come out of their mouth! I instantly flashed back to my many moments like this in ICU. I remember the panic & fear I had when I was unable to breathe. Thankfully those feelings have lessened and they're not as nearly as intense. I felt like I was reliving this through Kadin's struggle. At the end of the treatment, he was again ready to sleep, in fact he was nodding off in the final moments of the medicine. I accompanied him back to his room and Darren & I decided that I'd stay there & attempt to sleep on the floor. No luck! Three hours later, Kadin and I were back in my room, the conflict was that the medicine stated it could be given every four hours. We weighed Kadin's behavior, breathing, trip to the ER & what they'd do when we finally got in. From previous ER/Doctor visits, we decided that the course of treatment they'd render would be another nebulizer treatment, so that's what we did. Again, I restrained our precious son who responded to the treatment similar to the one 3 hours before. We decided that we'd see how he did the next few hours & call for a Doctors appointment first thing. If anything were to change for the worse we'd be heading to the ER. Darren's the ER escort because I'm not confident I'd be able to handle the situation. My boys are getting so big & physically carrying them is hard. I don't compartmentalize as I once did and situations that are emotionally charged or uncomfortable for me tend to overwhelm me. So an ER trip would be hard because all Kadin wanted was Mommy and if Darren tried to bring him to the ER, it could possibly make him more upset & further worsen his breathing. Thankfully we made it to 8:00 when we called the Doctors office & snagged an appointment for 8:30. We quickly dressed the boys and all four of us jumped in the car & headed toward the Doctors office. A few minutes after we arrived, we  were shown in to see the nurse who listened to Kadin and concluded that he'd need another nebulizer treatment and they'd check his oxygen levels before & after.  If that treatment did not open him up enough then they'd do another breathing treatment with a steroid.  Well, he got both.  He is such a polite & nice little boy despite the fact he feels terrible, good thing his lungs said the truth cause if you were going off his behavior they'd have just sent him home. So, we came home with instructions to continue the at home nebulizer treatments and a liquid steroid 2x daily for 5 days.  We have to bring him back this weekend for a listen assuming all continues on the right track.  Today, a day out, we have hope its getting better. He slept through the night last night and is somewhat back to his spunky self.  A few more days of treatments and he'll be back to new.... just in time for his April testing at the Allergenist office.  Will let you know how that goes....Thanks for listening

Blessings

Kadin & I in his bed - tough night

Zach being a goof in the Doctors office while Kadin's doing a breathing treatment

Sitting on Daddy's lap to do breathing treatments

heart matters

I'm not sure how to start this! My brain feels discombobulated! Two many things pulling my thoughts, energy, attention & focus too many ways. Like this is no different from anyone else, right???

So, in an effort to get them more organized, I thought I'd share them.

First is the one the really pulls my heart strings. My friend Jitana, also my Nurse Case Manager through my recovery, contacted me Friday afternoon & told me that her friend was at the ER for a brain bleed. She also told me that this was a young woman (28) has a four month old. My heart instantly started pounding & my brain spun into a whirlwind, what can I do? From here? Answer: Pray and so I did. I contacted some close family and shared the request with them as I knew they'd know how to specifically pray for this woman & her family. On Saturday, Jitana told me that they had found a large tumor in the middle of her brain. Surgery was plausible, but Doctors weren't estimating they could get the entire tumor. Even so she'd be left with speech & cognitive deficits. I did the only thing I could do, I updated the prayer request & continued praying. I haven't heard anything in a few days, but I expect to today. Throughout the day my mind has been consumed with thoughts & prayers for this young woman & her family. Prayers would be appreciated! I know My God is powerful and capable of much more than we can ask for. I know He is a Mighty Healer and is present with this young lady & her family now. May His glory be evident in all things that transpire.

The other huge thing rattling around my brain is harder for me to express. Yesterday was a day full of highs & lows for me. We took Kadin to his first theater movie. He did fabulous! The only bummer was because of his allergies, he didn't get to fully enjoy the theater experience (popcorn). Thankfully they did have junior mints!!! After the movie, we decided to go sledding. When I say 'we' it's the boys & Darren and I'm there to watch & take pictures cause I can't maneuver up &down the big slippery hill. I got up to the top of the hill & down again without falling. Thank you Darren for your ever present help. But then as we walked across the playground, I met my match. I was trying to navigate the deceptively slippery terrains with my no traction fake Ugg's so that Darren could pull both boys behind him in the sled. I got about half way across the playground and fell down. In an attempt to pick myself off, brush off the snow and move on, I forgot to allow my brain a second to process what happened. Instead of proceeding with caution or grabbing a hold of Darren's outstretched hand, I plowed forward.  Can we say PRIDE issue???? Yep! I was only able to make it a step or two before my legs became entangled again and tossed me back to the snowy ground like a wet rag. I felt so many emotions boil up in me. Anger, annoyance, frustration, disappointment, fear and sadness. Instead of focusing on the good that'd happened so far in the day, I was instantly plagued by my failure. Hindsight bias is always 20/20 and I know now that anyone could have fallen on this slippery playground, in fact Darren almost fell when we first arrived. The act of failing didn't shout out to everyone that I couldn't walk very well or that years earlier I had to relearn to walk. No one stared, gawked, pointed or ridiculed me. The only judgement passed about the situation was by me. Swallow. I think I need to learn to give myself some grace, finally. It won't be easy, but I'm going to try and remember we all fall from time to time or we may sound different, but I don't need to always be so focused about expecting someone to point out what makes me different. I need to accept we are all different and without accepting myself wholly, how can I expect anyone else to? Like I've heard & repeated many times : God doesn't make mistakes.

Blessings.