Today I am making a choice! A choice to be happy and not sad, a choice to be thankful not resentful, a choice to be better not less. I know it probably doesn't sound like anything that profound happened to me, but in terms of me and motherhood, it was an interesting day. As a Mom, you want to be there for every one of your child's first's if possible. The first time they roll, crawl, walk, tooth, word, etc. I have been that Mom for Zach, but due to my elongated recovery, I lost that status today and it has been hard for me. Lets see if I can better explain. Every year the State Fair is going on during this time and honestly I could have taken or left it. It wasn't really my thing. I eat way too much and watch the logger show. Yes, I am my father's daughter. Well, as Zach has grown I have begun to look forward to the fair as my time to be child like with him, get our faces painted and our hair colored and sprayed. Well, this year, my sister and her husband, asked if they could take Zach to the fair. I said yes because I knew he would have a blast, but I couldn't ignore the missing whole in my heart that kept saying, 'you should be doing this with him.' All day long I have pushed that aside, telling myself that I could not physically do it. This lack of inability really frustrates me. I am sick of this and despite all that I have been through, I have no hint of a finish line. I finally came to the realization that I am instead grateful that my sister and her husband like Zach enough to take him most of the day. We always have next year, when he will have to drag me away from the food booths to get our faces painted and our hair sprayed. So today, as I reflect on this, I choose to be grateful and thankful that I still have tomorrow and the next day to show my son how much I love him.
P.s. thanks j&k for taking Zach - he had a blast and I appreciated the quiet time to clean and read the hospital notes you had taken. Wow! Life sure has changed. Thanks for loving us enough to help out, even if I don't always recognize it at first.