I've tried many times to begin this post, but I always get stuck. This month has been so full. Full of activities and full of emotions. I've been busy with Christmas shopping, letter/card compiling, Christmas Preschool program, cookie baking & sharing, family basket gathering, AMI vendor basket stocking, and much more.
In light of all this fun, I also had the opportunity to be involved in more emotionally affecting activities. I did my yearly MRI this week and now am playing 'the waiting game' until I see my Neurosurgeon after the first of the year. I snuck a peak at the scans and with my minuscule knowledge of brain scans, I liked what I saw, but I've yet to get the definitive interpretation. so I'll wait to share pictures and such. I have an awesome baked goodies this time that I'm so excited about and I'll share pictures of that too.
Side note: About a week and a half before my scan, I had a very detailed dream. I dreamt that the whole (I call the Nile River) was healing up. At my last scan, this past January, my Neurosurgeon indicated that I would always have this whole. We will see what he says in a few weeks based on these new scans.
Honestly, I didn't think about this test much until the day before and then I allowed myself to hear the fears/concerns of others and internalize them. I thought a lot. Visions of my husband raising our boys without me were heartbreaking. I couldn't or didn't want to imagine those precious boys growing up without me. Selfishly, I plead with God that this wouldn't happen. In my attempt to handle this, I wrote a letter to my boys. I won't share it because it's too personal, but it's what I'd always want them to know if I wasn't around to tell them. The hard thing in looking at your own potential mortality is making such people REALLY know how you feel. Words cannot do an adequate job on relaying this information, but if something were to happen, I'd rather have something written than let them wonder. Let me tell you that this is not fun to think about at all. Before all this happened, I put the matter of dying out of my mind. I knew it would happen some day, but I assumed it was a long way off and didn't require much thought. God has placed examples of this fallacy in my path, especially lately. Just because your Christian, a Mom/Dad, nice person, hard worker, educated, giving, loyal, etc. you aren't guaranteed anything. My advice: Live life to the fullest! Above all, embrace God and the plan He has for you! Love your friends & family fully. Forgive & forget. Seek to be forgiven! Take care of others! Be the best you can be! In trying to do this, I've worked really hard the past few months, with Gods help on dealing with my anger about what happened and THANKS be to Him, it's getting better. Now I think, yes, it stinks that this happened to me, but how can I use it to help others? God has begun to answer this and placed incredible people in my life that have medical struggles as well, and it has been such a blessing to talk, listen, laugh, feed, and encourage them. What a blessing God has bestowed upon me! I think as I was growing up, I wanted to be a run of the mill Christian where I did what I felt I needed to do, but now, I'm open to how God is and will use my experience to glorify Him and hopefully provide comfort, support, love, and encouragement to those who need it.
I'm looking forward to the upcoming months. I get to help welcome a new baby into the family (she was born yesterday the 23rd :0), I have my follow up appointment on my MRI, I get to celebrate my son's second birthday and my second tumor free birthday! Oh life has changed so much and I'm so grateful to be part of it.