Friday, May 27, 2011

15 Months have come and gone

On the 25th of this month, I reached 15 months of recovery. I was hoping by now, I'd be normal, but I'm not. The idea of normal is flexible. In different societies, we define it differently, right? So, why am I so obsessed with my version of normal? I think that if I can become 'normal,' I can stop being defined by my tumor. I will no longer have to make excuses about my speech, gait (walk), or time it takes me to eat. I will be confident that I can run after my kids in the backyard or wherever. I can seek out volunteer or work opportunities without fear of judgement or rejection immediately when I open my mouth. I can have a lazy Saturday nap while my boys nap. I can bite into a juicy burger without a second thought. I can get a minor cold without fear that it will turn into Pneumonia or worse. I can sing again in church. I can take my boys of adventures without fear that something will happen to them or me. I can breathe easily. I know in 15 months, I have made remarkable advances toward recovery and I believe I'm not done yet, but I can't help but occasionally ask the whys. I do hypothesize with answers, but that's just it, a guess, not definite answers. I know that God had a reason for it all, but some days that doesn't make it any easier or less disappointing. I want for every body's sake to be 100%, but I'm just not there and reality tells me I might never get there.

I listened to a recording that my Mom had on her home voice mail of me speaking before my surgery. It brings me to tears every time because I am grieving the loss of that voice. I also listen to a recording my Mom also has of me calling from the hospital 4 weeks after surgery. I know it is me. I have the memory, but it doesn't sound like me at all. I listen to recordings I have taken the last day or so and I'm astonished by the change.

As I reflect on the past 15 months, with goals, hopes, and dreams I have for the next 15 months I am reminded by my favorite verse:
James 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

May this also be your prayer for the journey you are on!


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