UGH!

Good Saturday Morning. My family is asleep so I thought I would take a moment to update my blog which I had been planning all week to update, but then....life happened. Its been a tough week for me. I have to be honest cause I assume that is what people who read this are looking for, Having this new life is tough! Not just get over it, dust yourself off tough, but really tough. I am tried to remain positive through this whole experience so as to focus on the miracles, not my deficits. Unfortunately, this week, some of the deficits, perceived or real, won. I noticed myself holding onto my fears this week instead of letting them go. I have so many fears that I never imagined at 30 I would have. Fears that if I give voice, may just try to consume me. Thankfully, I serve a God who isn't in the business of letting that happen. He directs me and leads my path... and I can't imagine He would lead me to a place where I felt horrible thinking about my fear. Is it real, my fears? Yes, some of them are. But, are they likely? I don't know. No Doctor can guarantee my standard of recovery. In fact, I'm sure I've amazed quite a few with how far I really come. I need to stop myself every once in a while and look back to where I've been and realize how much God has truly blessed me. then press on toward further recovery. I notice new changes about weekly, albeit small, it is there. SO, to make a long story short, if you think of me, please pray also for my mind and how I am dealing emotionally with all that has happened. My family too! I would be amiss if I did not say that they too have been through an incredibly hard time and they too need prayers on coping with it.

So this week... what has happened... lets see....

The girl with two belly buttons - so that's me! The whole where the tube was is closing well but it is sunken, resulting in a second belly button. Oh well, I could always have it surgically corrected, Darren says I should tell people it's a bullet wound, like a feeding tube due to brain tumor, isn't bad enough?

I saw my Neurosurgeon this week and I have been reading a book by the worlds best brain surgeon, and he's got me thinking a lot about my surgery & the outcome. I can't second guess it, but I am trying to deal realistically with the deficits I have and my thoughts and feelings regarding them. Dealing with this at times is kicking my butt! Back to the world's best brain surgeon, I mentioned above... His name is Keith Black and he is a Neurosurgeon at Cedars-Sinai. His book "Brain Surgeon : A Doctor's Inspiring Encounters With Mortality And Miracles," is absolutely incredible. He does about 250 brain tumor surgeries a year. I love his outlook on the brain and how he glorifies God for its magnificence. He says something to the effect of, 'you can't understand the brain, until you understand God.' He's not saying that you fully understand God, but that you approach His creation, the brain, with reverence, humbleness, gratitude, and knowledge. I think I am going to write to him and tell him my story. Back to my Neurosurgeon, every time I go in, I try to have a brainy gift for him. Nothing extravagant, usually something I've made or cooked. This weeks, I set out on the task of making him a brain cake that is almost life size. He loved it and was pleased with new changes I had made too. After I left, he took a picture of it on his cellphone and then when he ran into my sister in the hospital the other day, he whipped out the picture and proudly said, 'look what your sister made for me.' It was basically a giant brain cake pop/ball.

The next day, I made an impromptu call & visit to my internist because I had gotten a cold and didn't want it to turn into Pneumonia and end up in the hospital. She listened to my lungs, took my temperature, blood pressure & heart beat, then she dropped a bomb on me. I would have to go to the ER because of my symptoms and what my body was saying. She said, ' the worst thing is you'll have to stay a few days.' For someone who lived in the hospital for 6 weeks last year, almost died once, got a lovely DVT that could have resulted in an amputated arm, a few days doesn't sound too exciting. Plus, I had to figure out who would watch the boys, how to explain to Zach that I was going back to the hospital to only stay for a few days. UHHHHH terror ran through my head. I met Darren at home and we headed to the ER where my internist had already spoken to the Doctor on duty. I told him what was going on and that I guessed I had Pneumonia. He ordered a chest x-ray for me and discovered I had a small flare up in my lower left lobe. He said Pneumonia there is usually not caused by aspiration (I had not inhaled my food/drink into my lungs), He had the respiratory therapist come a have me do a nebulizer treatment, My blood work & flu test were fine t00. Because of my swallowing troubles, I asked that he order my prescription in a liquid. Because of this, we had to hang around the ER and do an IV of medication. I was so relieved to be going home because I had spent Easter, my favorite holiday, in Rehab last year, and I was determined not to let that happen this year. I finish the medication in a few days and I sure hope that is it for a while. I want to relax and enjoy life, not live in fear.

Happy Easter to you all! What a glorious gift we were given. I have been reflecting a lot on God allowing His child to be hung on a cross for people He didn't even know yet. What a sacrifice! I can't help but cry when I think about that. May this holiday be ever special to you!

Blessings