Thursday, January 07, 2016

Now what

It's been a long while since I posted. I haven't known what to write. When I was in recovery, thoughts or feelings were plentiful, but now.... I'm not sure they'd be worth sharing.  I'm in a funny place and I'm trying to figure it out. You see when my boys were home all day, I knew what I had to do. When I had a job before the boys, I knew where all my time would go. When I was in the first years of recovery, I constantly looked for & how to squash challenges. Now... I don't know... I'm kind of lost. I don't say that to elicit pity, it's just how I feel.  I don't feel as if I'm doing anything well, I'm just coasting by, hoping I don't fall apart.  It's easier I think to not pay attention to how you feel when you are so consumed with chores, tasks, jobs & caring for others.  You too easily lose who you are.  Well now that I have "ample" time to discover me, I can't seem to find any direction.  I know this feeling is impacting all realms of my life.  I am noticing my flaws much more & I am unwilling to forgive them. It's a tough place to be emotionally.  I'm trying to figure out what's next & I'm expecting someone to just tell me. I mean what could be easier? Have someone say to me.... This is what you were made for & you'll be successful & happy doing it. Ha! Problems solved!  If only it were that simple. In addition to my lack of direction, my fear seems so willing to nag at me, reminding me of all the deficits (perceived or not) that prevent me from moving forward. Stupid Brain Tumor, I want to be free from your grasp!

This is me, being real & raw, wondering where to head next. So now what?

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