Friday, October 18, 2013

Family Pictures

One of the things I thought a lot about when I was in the hospital was my family. Most of my thoughts focused on my husband, Darren and my boys, Zachary and Kadin.  In the early days, when I felt so horrible and was sure I was dying, I tried to convince Darren to move on and forget about me and I tried to give my boys to my sister Jaime.  Its really painful for me to think about that now, but honestly that was my perceived reality.  My brain was so foggy and I was so sick I was sure I was dying and if you ask my doctors at the time, they wouldn't guarantee anything.  The further I got into recovery, the more thankful I was to be alive, but it became painfully aware to me that life was not the same.  My ideas and dreams of family vacation to Hawaii where we zip lined through the trees and rode down the side of a volcano at sunrise were all but gone.  No longer could I do these things and this devastated me,  What good was I anymore??? God has taken the last 3+ years to show me I am much more than I understood.  I am capable of many things and with Him I cannot be stopped. I am confident I am still healing and change is around each corner. May He continued to be glorified in it all.

I have always loved pictures and they have become even more meaningful now. When I was pregnant with Kadin, I had Jennifer Hughes capture some great shots of our expanding family.  I was then dealing with the effects of being pregnant and the brain tumor (although I didn't know it yet).  Then we were back for newborn shots when Kadin was just a few days old.  Now, I wasn't pregnant but I still suffered with the extreme vertigo and migraines.  Before Jennifer could even get the proofs back to us, I was in ICU.  When she called to tell us they were ready, my family had to inform her of where I was. I am sure that was a shocker. But as a woman of faith, I know I coveted a few of her prayers in the days and weeks that followed.  My sister Jaime went to get the proofs and brought them to me in ICU.  I was so excited to see them.  I was excited to show them off. All the Nurses, Doctors and Therapists came by and looked at them and reminded me why I was fighting.  Because of the environment of ICU, Zachary was unable to come visit me.  Thank goodness for technology because Darren was able to catch moments on his IPhone to share with me.  They allowed Kadin into ICU via an incubator that they would use in NICU. He was transported in and out via that.  It was hard to see him, but so critical. I did not understand that at the time, but I do now.  Part of my healing was holding him and feeding him and using all my extremely limited energy to do this.  We were able to capture some of these memories when I was a bit stronger and Zachary was able to join us at the hospital when I moved out of ICU.

SO family pictures.... we went back at my year anniversary and again took pictures with Jennifer and they were fabulous. I have treasured them.  But these boys keep growing, so we decided to do it again.  Jennifer, my photographer and sweet friend has given me some to share. Enjoy!!!!


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