Humbled

Since my last post, I've been given an incredible gift. My last post titled Ugh!!!! talked about my feelings regarding the deficits I still have and how I felt recently at a preschool advisory committee meeting. This meeting occurred Monday night and since then I've been overwhelmed with kind, caring, loving, encouraging & supportive words from some wonderful friends, but a whole host of strangers (Thank You Rachel)!

Each time I post a blog entry, I link it on my Facebook page. Over the last few years, I've questioned whether or not I'd continue doing so. I decided to and I'm thankful I did. Yesterday, I posted my last blog entry about the Monday night meeting. While I was doing it, I questioned whether or not to link it on Facebook. In the end, I did share it while thinking 'no one reads this, so it won't make me appear to be having a pity party.' I was wrong about someone reading it! A friend since Junior High read it and gave me a humbling gift. Rachel took the time to pay honor to me on her Facebook page & to encourage people to read about my story. Her words were beyond gracious and over flowing with love & support. I never imagined that anyone would respond to her post and to me directly. What beautiful words that certainly refreshed my spirit and nourished my soul. I recognize Gods steadfast hand in this as was apparent in which people shared scripture, faith, love & kindness with a complete stranger (me)! What a gift! I so appreciate the insight, advice, encouragement, support & kindness shared.

Below is Rachel beautiful tribute that brought me to tears:

This is long – I know, but please take the time to read. ♥ Rachel

Today I am honoring not only a friend, but a woman of God, and inspiration and someone who continually leaves me in awe. She is the mother of two sweet boys.. shortly after having her second she found out she had a brain tumor. Her journey has been incredible… I challenge you to read her blog (.http://bussjessica.blogspot.com/2010_07_01_archive.html).

My questions to you is – what would you do? I’ve asked myself the same question…and I don’t know. Her courage, her faith and her love for her family and God is a true inspiration. I hope her story touches your heart and lays upon your heart that life is too short. Live, love and try to find the good in life even in the midst of challenges. Below is just one blog of many Jessica shared that touched me. Jessica Boyd Buss, as a mom, a wife…tears come to my eyes when thinking of you. I'm humbled by your strength and faith.

Jessica's blog - Thursday, July 08, 2010 Exhausted
I am exhausted. No one told me that having a major operation would still continue to wipe me out months later. I shouldn't complain because I have less problems than many of the people I see at therapy. I am just grateful to be ALIVE! I was thinking about that today and how blessed my family and I are because I am here. Sorry for the morbid talk, it's just things like that hit you every once in a while, and they are better to confront than not. I am so glad that my parents didn't have to pull together a funeral service, that my boys didn't have to whisper goodbye to me one final time, and that my husband didn't have to imagine life without me. I of course am grateful for my second chance at life and I intend to use it for good. I started this blog so that I could share my thoughts and feelings with those that I care about and invite them to respond back how my experience in turn made them feel. I have been beyond blessed to have my family and friends around me during this time and for their constant love, support, encouragement, and prayers. I will never forget what I felt in that hospital and how desperately I wanted to come home and be with my family. I look forward to family dinners and events where I can finally feel 'normal' again. Toodles for now, I have to make some of my own creation chicken enchiladas. Some day I will explain the food obsession... but for now - God Bless! — with Jessica Boyd Buss.

I'm including some of the comments too as they certainly made my heart swell and the tears flow freely.

What an inspiration. Thank you to Jessica for a huge reminder of how wonderful life is and how much we all have to be grateful for. -AR

I am truly inspired by Jessica. Her story is a reminder to us all how special life is and all of the things we should be thankful for. I am truly thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones (family and friends). I will try to keep Jessica's story in mind when life throws me curve balls. -AH

What a truly inspirational story. God works in incredible ways. He knows how strong we are and what we can overcome. Thank you for reminding me to never give up on life and to put our lives in his hands. Remember God is behind you everyday of your life! -KTH

Jessica Boyd Buss I know that I have never met you, but your life is truly inspirational to me and I hope to those mothers out there who find themselves in days where they just don't feel like they can take another cry, whine, whimper, tear, or scream. There are those times in our lives, some of course having larger challenges than others, that we need to seek the guidance and glory and the one who is truly in charge...GOD Himself. He really does know what he is doing when he gives us triumphs, struggles, glory, and sadness. He never gives us anything we cannot handle. You have come out on top! I am sure there must be a million thoughts that race through your mind on a daily basis of "what ifs" but now you are at that pivotal point...you need to look ahead to the future and all the glorious things you get to wake up and see, smell, feel, think, kiss, hold, hug, snuggle, tell you love, and watch grow. You do get that amazing second chance to make an impact not only in the lives of your children, but in the lives of others. Who know what you will do, where you will go, who you will touch, but when you do it will be truly amazing, encouraging and captivating! Thank you for allowing others to journey with you through this process...I will be listening and reading. God Bless. -BW

I'm reminded everyday that I wake up to breath and take a moment.... One of my dearest friends has had a major Hand delt to him and his family and it had shook me to the core. I have never Lost anyone close to me or been to a funeral. This last year has put me to my knees and I find encouragement everyday through finding words of Love and God for my dear friend.. It's opened my eyes so wide there's not one minute that goes by that I don't think the next minute might not be here.. OMG what would everyone do what would my family do what about all the material Shyt I have collected.. 
Yep I'm done Memories are what I want to collect Love Joy and a Happy Heart.. 
So Jessica I have found this for YOU 
 Shared For you Through Him

To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible. Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart. God promises a safe landing but not a calm passage. Let Gods promises shine on you.... One Day One Breath at a Time, One foot forward... The people you need are the ones who fight to be with you, the ones who show love and support no matter what...... Fight Your Fight and Fight it Hard - JM

This reminds me of something I recently read - 
It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth - and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. Elisabeth kubler-Ross 
Xoxo - JC

Jessica your story is truly humbling. As a mom, friend, co-worker, parent at a daycare I would be truly honored to have someone with your knowledge, creativity and strength as a part of our advisory committee, I really hope you stay. I pray you continue to see God's glory in your journey.
Be strong and Courageous ~ Deuteronomy 31:6 - AMP

Rach, I not only read what you posted, but I'm in such awe of your strong beautiful friend that I read some of her blog. What an inspiration! Jess, I am sure you have had many days behind the scenes when you had no other response than to cry. But the courage and faith in which you handled the situation are truly amazing. The fact that while dealing with your own situation you can set your worries aside to take a moment to think about other people's sicknesses and misfortunes is amazing. It's something that can't be taught, as it comes from the bottom of your heart. I wish you and your family the best of times, because you clearly deserve it! 
Thank you for sharing Rach! Love you! Xoxo -CM

What a beautiful soul. I have always believed that people like Jessica go through incredibly difficult trials for exactly what she is doing, she is sharing her inspirational story with others so that they have the strength to keep going through their own trials and tribulations. Such an amazing gift from God! Thank you so much for sharing, I am grateful for Jessica's message and you Rachel, for sharing her message. You've helped reinforce my faith that God has a purpose for each person he brings into your life! I can't thank you enough, I am inspired! -JM

 Not very often - not often enough - we all probably see something, read something or somebody will recount something that lends perspective. I think perspective is what we all lack most of the time, at least I know I do. I think I have bad days, but really, do I? Do I? What I've read here gives me some real perspective, and tells me my bad day is absolutely nothing. I like to think I have a positive attitude most of the time, but its nothing compared to Jessica's determination, belief, faith, love and will to live. I'm grateful for the chance to read your story, and for the gift of perspective it's given me and the inspiration to be a better person. -CM

 I love that stories like this come into my life when i start to doubt and question the nature of humanity. The media plays up horrors and feeds these fears that we are surround by evil, just waiting to step in and devastate us. But the real stories of life are not random acts of violence by a minority, but the pure beauty and truth of the strength of the human spirit, family, and most importantly love. Love of mothers and sisters and husbands and wives and children... And our wonderful friends that we are blessed with. Thank you for lifting me up with your strength and beauty, because you have restored my faith. Every person who battles cancer is an inspiration in determination... And a hero to me. -LB

What a true inspiration! Her story reminds us what is really important. Thank you for sharing and bring us all back to reality. Whenever I am holding on to something and struggling. I always remember Philippians 3:13 “Give no thought to what lies behind, but push to what lies ahead” We can not dwell on the past, but look to the future. These words have helped me push forward in so many situations. God Bless…. - LY

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. " 2 Cor 4:17 ...I read this today and it made me think of the life Jessica leads and how we should all react to any circumstances we are faced with. Thank you for that reminder. -ABJ

What a beautiful spirit she has. Every mother knows that this would be there worst nightmare. But Jessica is truly an example of strength, determination, and faith. It does bring tears to your eyes to know that a loving mother was so close to having to say goodbye to her sweet children and husband. Jessica, I don't know you but I will think of you every day. Your love for life has lifted my spirits, God isn't ready for you yet  Hug your munchkins for me, and I will hug mine a little bit longer and a lot more often. Thank you for sharing your story. You are beautiful! -NW

What an inspiration you are Jessica! Thank you for sharing your journey. Thank you to Rachel as well. As I read several entries of your blog, I was really touched by your loving spirit and your vulnerability. You are amazing. As for your most recent entry, it's okay to feel upset, challenged, frustrated, etc. It's ok not to be strong all the time. You are strong and you've proved it. You are capable and you're doing a great job. But that doesn't mean you don't wish it was different sometimes. By saying that and feeling those feelings you are actually honoring yourself, not being lost in self pity. You are grateful for what you do have and you live that every day. Through your blog and your life, you are sharing that with others. What a gift! Stay on the board. You were asked for a reason and you have a lot to give. Also, it might not have been as bad as you thought anyway. I get nervous with public speaking and I get really self critical about it. I realize your situation is different and I don't mean to minimize it in any way but the similarity is that most people are more focused on themselves and don't really notice what we think they do. And who cares if they did. You're there, you're making a difference and not being perfect is ok. That's being human. You've endured more than your fair share of difficulties and you are a gift, just as you are. Thank you again for putting yourself out there. Thank you for being you. - HGB


Today, I still don't know Gods plan for me, but I know He has one.

Today, I'm still not perfect (honestly I wasn't ever), but He doesn't ask me to be.

Today, I still may have deficits, but if I'm willing, I can ask God to use me, even in this state.

Beyond a doubt, I've learned:

Proverbs 31:8

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.

(Doesn't say anything about whether you are able to speak or can do it eloquently)

James 1:2

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

My brain sister, Jessie, who I went to high school with also had brain hiccups and she had something to say to my initial posting of the Ugh!!!! blog

Any one who doesn't accept you for who you are, is missing out! Just because you talk and walk differently, doesn't make you any less capable of doing anything they can do (heck, you'd probably be better at it.) I know (from experience) that sometimes most of the fear and complication is in my head, and I can only assume that you are experiencing the same thing. I refuse to be babied because of my "medical history" and insist that I be treated like everyone else. I will decided when I can or can't do something. With that said, I think you should do what ever feels right to you. If you simply don't want to be PTA mom, then don't!!! But do not let those people make you feel any less of the amazing person that you are because of your "complications". Everyone battles with something, yours are all the more inspiring because your differences are on the surface for all to see and hear. You are an absolutely incredible person, don't ever let anyone make you feel anything less! They can learn a lot from you.

Thanks Jessie for always providing a listening ear on something that is often so foreign to others. 

Many Blessing to you all. Thank you again!

Ugh!!!!!

I am so blessed. I am surrounded by family & friends that have accepted me, deficits and all.  Unfortunately, sometimes life gets in the way of that and I end up with a hurt heart.  I am not disillusioned to the fact I sound different from most people & I walk a bit off kilter, but it still hurts when I slam up against that wall, forcing my deficits forward in an unmistakable way.  It takes so much courage for me to go out into public because I'm so worried about how i'll be received.  I was recently asked by the director of Zach's preschool to join the preschool parental advisory committee.  Doing these types of activities was a stretch before the tumor & now it seems highly unlikely. Instead of politely saying no, I said yes.  I'm not sure what I was thinking.  I mean this person knows my deficits & if she didn't feel I'd be an asset than she probably wouldn't ask, right?  I attended the first meeting last night & we were encouraged to introduce ourselves to the group.  As soon as I opened my mouth, I knew the secret was out.  In speaking situations, I get flustered and that doesn't seem to help my speech difficulty at all.  Instead of focusing on enunciating my words, I'm left searching for the correct words. Ugh!!!!! So maddening!  Even now as I think about it I'm deeply saddened and angered at the same time.  Let me tell you the internal dialogue I've got going on is a major bummer.  Even recognizing that isn't helping me outta this funk.  So now what do I do?  I don't know.  I could politely bow out of this commitment blaming my deficits and how I'd be more of a hinderance than help.  I could stay and try to float on by, avoiding detection.  I could embrace the deficits and push forward.  I'm leaning toward running with my tail between my legs.  I'm sick of always being the strong one who pushes forward.  I'm sick of my walk. I'm sick of my voice! I'm sick of bottling up the anger about it all.  I'm stuck!  I'm grateful for all that Gods done, but I'm feeling bad for myself.  This too will pass, I know, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.  I want to feel free to volunteer or get involved in something without fear, worry, apprehension, dread, and sadness at each turn.  I'm sick of explaining myself to everyone while hoping I gain respect because of who I am than what ice been through.

I'm praying for acceptance, direction,focus, and continued healing.

Blessings.