Monday, June 18, 2012

Life as I know it

Is it perfect? No. Will it ever be? No.  Is perfection realistic? No!

One of the last memories I have before being rushed to the ER .... I was trying to nurse Kadin, my three week old at the time... it was in this moment that I finally realized that something was horribly wrong... little did I know how it would all  transpire.  God definitely had HIS hand within the situation far before I could recognize and I am so THANKFUL for that.  A few brief examples that I don't think I've shared in this blog was that only days earlier I had seen a Neurologist for my terrible symptoms and after getting an all clear and a request for a follow up MRI (precaution), I left the appointment no closer to an answer, but joking with Darren that I probably had a brain tumor.  I can laugh about it now, but I was honestly scared.  The other blessing was the speed in which it all happened.  I was rushed to the ER, I had my first Grand Mal seizure right when I arrived, a CT scan followed, a MRI followed that, surgery was set for the next day. Wham Bam Thank You Mame.... I am not sure what I would have done or how I would of reacted had I received the news of a brain tumor and then had to wait days, weeks or months for surgery.  I would have driven everyone, including myself CRAZY.

Some of the FABULOUS gear that got me safely through those first weeks home.  There was a laundry list of all that I would need, but Darren, Robin & Jitana were excellent at obtaining all that I needed so I could finally transition home.  I got the privilege of lending the toilet handles & shower chair out to someone this past week... what an excellent feeling in making life easier for someone else and also knowing I didn't need them any longer.  Praise God!

One of my annoying side effect of brain surgery that just wont go away.  Yes, you are reading that right... Blood Pressure : 79/ 54 & Heartbeat 101...ugh... this far out and I occasionally don't feel right.  Thankfully, I am in tune with my body and I can pretty accurately tell you what the cuff will say.  Having extremely low blood pressure is no fun.  Thankfully, salt & slowing myself down usually do the trick.

If things were different, I would have missed out on this.  Even though Motherhood & being a stay at home Mom (with disabilities) is hairy at times, I love the special moments I get with my two little men. From helping Zach learn to spell his name to now writing it to helping Kadin learn to pee in the toilet standing up, I relish the accomplishments & victories they reach.  It isn't always pretty, well kept or as I would hope, but my boys always know I love them and I am trying hard and fighting even harder to be their Mommy.  Its hard on tough days that they don't understand what almost was and what I've gone through, but some day they will and I'll be so blessed when they can take those lessons and teach their kids about resiliency, strength, courage, love and prayer.  Ultimately, I hope I always convey to them how present God was in all of it and it  is because of Him that I am here and so much more capable than many figured I'd be.

What an incredible partner in crime.  My depth of love for Darren has grown so much in the past years that it is hard to verbalize. I am so grateful to be able to walk this road with him and there is no one I'd rather have with me.  God created an incredible partner for me.  He is AMAZING!  This is him a few weeks ago golfing in Seattle for a 'work trip' (he,he,he). Although we missed him tremendously, we are glad he got a few days off from the Chaos that is life with two active boys.  I am thankful for the fact that I no longer consider myself as part of the 'work' and he is free to escape without worry about me or the boys. God is so GOOD!  This is his almost hole in one... Way to go...As I am writing this, he is putting both boys to bed. Superman move over cause SUPER DARREN is here & thank goodness for that!


This picture represents that I am still changing... much of what I did before, I am still in the process of relearning to do it... does that make sense?  I had to relearn to walk, now I'm trying to relearn to run, I plan to relearn to swim and much more.  But, since my surgery, I am fearful that I will hurt the boys unintentionally during these trials at conquering said tasks... i.e. swinging on the swings with a child in my lap.... was it scary?.. Oh my goodness it was.... would this be simple for a normal person? Heavens, yes, but I am far from there.  I first have to set my mind to it, try it by myself & then jump in and try it. I made that sound a lot easier than it really is for me.  Its a process just as all things are for me.

Moments I am so thankful to be witness to...Zach's summer soccer

Kadin playing in the pool we have in our yard during a hot day.  Darren spraying warm faucet water on him while filling the behemoth pool u[p.

Darren in the pool with the boys...Good times.... glad I was the photographer... it was warm out but that water was cool.

Zach's school offered pictures & took siblings too... What handsome little men!

Reflective & SO Thankful!



  1. Sandi FredricksonJune 18, 2012 at 9:44 PM

    A reflective blog - enjoyed it. Love hearing your honesty and heartfelt thanks to God.

  2. Ditto to what Sandi said. Plus, I love that you're able to not only recall what was, you very tactfully and honestly share what is, and aspire to what will be. Not that you ever get tired of hearing it, but I think you're amazing! Love you, Jessie! :)