Time passes so quickly

This was taken almost two years ago (June 27, 2010).  Only a few months before this, I was finally discharged from Alaska Regional Hospital after my 6 week stay following Brain Tumor Surgery.  This picture AMAZES me and truly makes me THANKFUL for God's touch on me.  Only a few weeks before this picture, I was still using a walker to get around.  I still took my suction machine everywhere.  Darren had to drive me to the store so I could do grocery shopping, which a hour walking through the store was like running a marathon to me.  As you may notice upon closer inspection, I also carried my spit rag everywhere too.  I am so glad this time has passed and God has continued to heal me.  In fact, this morning, I got up at 4:30, got to the gym for a workout (16 miles on the bike) and stopped by the store on my way home for this weeks meals and such.  I've spent the day cleaning, referring the boys, and being creative making a tutu for a friend's daughter's upcoming birthday.  I look at this picture and at the time, it symbolized how far I had come in so little time, but now, it symbolizes that I've come even further.  I cannot wait to look back in another two years to see and be grateful for all the God has done and continues to do in my life.  Praise Him!

Scripture sent to me today sums it all up: Phillippians 4:4  - Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again - rejoice.

Well I am REJOICING!  I hope you are too!

Blessings.

Life as I know it

LIFE...

Is it perfect? No. Will it ever be? No.  Is perfection realistic? No!

One of the last memories I have before being rushed to the ER .... I was trying to nurse Kadin, my three week old at the time... it was in this moment that I finally realized that something was horribly wrong... little did I know how it would all  transpire.  God definitely had HIS hand within the situation far before I could recognize and I am so THANKFUL for that.  A few brief examples that I don't think I've shared in this blog was that only days earlier I had seen a Neurologist for my terrible symptoms and after getting an all clear and a request for a follow up MRI (precaution), I left the appointment no closer to an answer, but joking with Darren that I probably had a brain tumor.  I can laugh about it now, but I was honestly scared.  The other blessing was the speed in which it all happened.  I was rushed to the ER, I had my first Grand Mal seizure right when I arrived, a CT scan followed, a MRI followed that, surgery was set for the next day. Wham Bam Thank You Mame.... I am not sure what I would have done or how I would of reacted had I received the news of a brain tumor and then had to wait days, weeks or months for surgery.  I would have driven everyone, including myself CRAZY.

Some of the FABULOUS gear that got me safely through those first weeks home.  There was a laundry list of all that I would need, but Darren, Robin & Jitana were excellent at obtaining all that I needed so I could finally transition home.  I got the privilege of lending the toilet handles & shower chair out to someone this past week... what an excellent feeling in making life easier for someone else and also knowing I didn't need them any longer.  Praise God!

One of my annoying side effect of brain surgery that just wont go away.  Yes, you are reading that right... Blood Pressure : 79/ 54 & Heartbeat 101...ugh... this far out and I occasionally don't feel right.  Thankfully, I am in tune with my body and I can pretty accurately tell you what the cuff will say.  Having extremely low blood pressure is no fun.  Thankfully, salt & slowing myself down usually do the trick.

If things were different, I would have missed out on this.  Even though Motherhood & being a stay at home Mom (with disabilities) is hairy at times, I love the special moments I get with my two little men. From helping Zach learn to spell his name to now writing it to helping Kadin learn to pee in the toilet standing up, I relish the accomplishments & victories they reach.  It isn't always pretty, well kept or as I would hope, but my boys always know I love them and I am trying hard and fighting even harder to be their Mommy.  Its hard on tough days that they don't understand what almost was and what I've gone through, but some day they will and I'll be so blessed when they can take those lessons and teach their kids about resiliency, strength, courage, love and prayer.  Ultimately, I hope I always convey to them how present God was in all of it and it  is because of Him that I am here and so much more capable than many figured I'd be.

What an incredible partner in crime.  My depth of love for Darren has grown so much in the past years that it is hard to verbalize. I am so grateful to be able to walk this road with him and there is no one I'd rather have with me.  God created an incredible partner for me.  He is AMAZING!  This is him a few weeks ago golfing in Seattle for a 'work trip' (he,he,he). Although we missed him tremendously, we are glad he got a few days off from the Chaos that is life with two active boys.  I am thankful for the fact that I no longer consider myself as part of the 'work' and he is free to escape without worry about me or the boys. God is so GOOD!  This is his almost hole in one... Way to go...As I am writing this, he is putting both boys to bed. Superman move over cause SUPER DARREN is here & thank goodness for that!

   

This picture represents that I am still changing... much of what I did before, I am still in the process of relearning to do it... does that make sense?  I had to relearn to walk, now I'm trying to relearn to run, I plan to relearn to swim and much more.  But, since my surgery, I am fearful that I will hurt the boys unintentionally during these trials at conquering said tasks... i.e. swinging on the swings with a child in my lap.... was it scary?.. Oh my goodness it was.... would this be simple for a normal person? Heavens, yes, but I am far from there.  I first have to set my mind to it, try it by myself & then jump in and try it. I made that sound a lot easier than it really is for me.  Its a process just as all things are for me.

Moments I am so thankful to be witness to...Zach's summer soccer

Kadin playing in the pool we have in our yard during a hot day.  Darren spraying warm faucet water on him while filling the behemoth pool u[p.

Darren in the pool with the boys...Good times.... glad I was the photographer... it was warm out but that water was cool.

Zach's school offered pictures & took siblings too... What handsome little men!

Reflective & SO Thankful!

 Blessings.

Healed

I wish I could write down that I've had a miraculous full healing and I can do everything I once did and more, but I can't.  In honesty, I'm not sure a full healing is in my cards.  I've been slowly coming to grips with that as I've ventured further in time away from my brain tumor, and I must say, it hasn't been easy.  I don't want to miss pointing out that although I have not been healed 100%, I still believe I've been miraculously healed.  I believe there is no other way I'd be here let alone capable of what I am without God.  He has upheld me and given me strength, courage, wisdom, love, support and encouragement throughout it all. I also have amazing family and friends who have gone above & beyond to make me feel as close to normal as possible.  Despite this, I still have much work to do on myself with acceptance.  It isn't about just accepting this happened or what my future may be, its about accepting me and what I've become.  I've heard and shared many times that God doesn't make mistakes. I believe this, but I'm learning to accept, embrace and love the new parameters I now feel I have.

So then... what does it mean to be healed? When will I know I'm done? Will I ever be done?

Questions I'm still trying to answer... so here's what I've come up with so far...

The Free Dictionary online gave me this...

heal

v. healed, healing, heals

v.tr.

1.To restore to health or soundness; cure.

2.To set right; repair

3.To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.

v.intr.

To become whole and sound; return to health.

In my bible study, I came across some scripture that really made me think...

Psalm 30:2

New International Version (NIV)

² Lord my God, I called to you for help, 
    and you healed me.

Psalm 107:19-21

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁹ 

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

    and he saved them from their distress.

²⁰ 

He sent out his word and healed them; 

    he rescued them from the grave. 

²¹ 

Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love 

    and his wonderful deeds for mankind.

So the journey continues...please pray for me as 

I tread this rocky trail of acceptance.

The Vow

Last night, I watched "The Vow" after putting the boys to sleep and all I can say is Wow! Not only is it a great chick-flick romance, but it really made me think.  The premise of the movie is a couple gets into a car crash and although they survive they aren't left without speed bumps they must venture across.  The woman suffers from a traumatic brain injury & memory loss (she doesn't remember him or their life) and the man is determined to make her fall in love with him again & remember what they had.  Although, I didn't suffer memory loss, I too, have had to learn a new me.  I can't even fathom what that would've been like with memory loss.  It saddens me to think, I could have woken up from surgery unable to remember Darren, Zachary or Kadin.  As I write this, I get choked up thinking about it and I have to stop myself and give Thanks to God for the blessing of memory.  I couldn't remember how to walk, talk, or swallow, but I didn't forget precious memories like what it felt like to see Darren on our wedding day, or to have an enormous hug from Zach with an I Love You, or the beautiful grin Kadin has that warmed my heart even in those dark days of ICU.  How blessed I am!  After watching the movie, I snuck into each of their bedrooms to see them one last time before I went to sleep. What AMAZING gifts they are! Thank you Lord for the memories of the past, the current & and those that I'll be making in the future. Blessings

Finishing up

This week was the final week of Zachary's first year of preschool and it will certainly be missed.  What fantastic teachers he had and what a wonderful program that he was able to explore and learn in.  A few weeks ago, I paid tribute to all his teachers with a fun craft that allowed me to nourish my creative spirit.  Because I like themes, I selected the Fishers of Men scripture in Matthew that I felt was so fitting, and assembled a "Thank You" bag filled with goodies that fell along with that.

Matthew 4:19

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

¹⁹ “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”

I am so excited that Zachary gets to go to this school for another year of Preschool.  What a blessing!

Inside the bag was a bag of goldfish crackers, a fish cookie cutter, handmade fish soap, gummiworms, homemade bookmark with Matthew 4:19, and then tied to it was a fish notepad.  Yes, all fish themed, but I took it a step further with a handout that further explained each items significance.  It said:

Here's FISHIN' you a GREAT Summer!

Just a little THANK YOU for the impact you've made in our lives

In Matthew 4:19, we are called to be “Fishers of Men.” In your case these men are little children, but the importance is no less greater. So THANK YOU for what you've taught Zachary this year.

Here's a little explanation of how it all fits together...

Fish Soap -your clean teachings help propel these children forward toward success

Goldfish Crackers – in teaching, you've provided nourishment for their growing bodies, minds & souls

Gummiworms -you've used creative 'bait' (crafts, games & fun) to keep them engaged & learning

“Fishers of Men” Scripture Bookmark - a reminder of what's guiding you

Fish Cookie Cutter - you've helped to mold them into the big people they'll become

Fish Notepad - you've recorded all the achievements they've made throughout the year

May you be inspired to be creative in the way you thank others!

Blessings.

Happy 101st Post!

Well 100 posts under my belt... Thanks for reading, supporting, praying, and loving me.


Three weeks ago, I started a Bible Study and I've been overwhelmed at times with it. I don't mean that in a negative way, it strictly positive.  Months ago, I started looking for a Bible Study to get involved in and then this one came up.  I obviously didn't know all that it entailed before it began or I probably would have never entertained the idea of it. I prayed that God would not only lead me to a Bible Study that would benefit me, but that God would also be in the details of it all.  Things like speaking out load in a group, parking at the venue, time & lifestyle requirements it would have, and my abandonment to Christ and the nurturing of that relationship.

Well on the first night, I showed up a little early (I'm neurotic about being on time).  I quickly learned that this Bible Study wasn't as I'd expected. I'd heard of a Bible Study by this title & assumed it was a different one, but I was wrong.  The Bible Study is First Place 4 Health.  It focuses on Daily Victory, Daily Joy and also has a focus on having a healthy balance in all areas of your life, while putting Christ first.  I was intimidated by the rituals of weighing in, being measured & photographed for record keeping purposes.  By the end of the evening, it was all crystal clear to me what this Bible Study entailed.  I came home and began a lot of internal dialogue about whether this was right for me. I tossed and turned all night long (Thank You Satan!)  I finally came to the decision that I had asked God for a path and I was ready for wherever it lead. Here's a bit of what I've come to discover so far... what a journey.  As part of this Bible Study we are encouraged to spend additional time in God's word and one day as I read through Philippians, I came across a sobering passage that really made me think.  It's a challenge to me, no longer should I flirt with feeling sorry for myself for the path a brain tumor left through me and my family, I have to rejoice in it.  Use the journey to share God's love and plan for each of us.  I've been a Christian for a long time, but never before has scripture seemed so alive and exciting to me.  Its not just old stories, but helpful, accountable, and loving words intended to speak truth of God.
Let this scripture be my prayer: May I allow God to use a tough situation to help others.  I would be so humbled and I can't wait where that Journey leads.  Praise God I'm on it and He saved me!





Philippians 1:12-20
Paul’s Chains Advance the Gospel

New International Version (NIV)

¹² Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters,^[a] that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. ¹³ As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard^[b] and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. ¹⁴ And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.
¹⁵ It is true that some preach Christ out of envy and rivalry, but others out of goodwill. ¹⁶ The latter do so out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. ¹⁷ The former preach Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely, supposing that they can stir up trouble for me while I am in chains. ¹⁸ But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice.
Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, ¹⁹ for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.^[c] 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

So in response I say... I am a vessel, use me!


Blessings

Healing

Physical healing has been a breeze compared to emotional healing.  None of it's been easy by any means, but I felt like I had no choice to get on with life and part of that was moving, talking & eating.  In this, I think I pushed away the emotional impact this all has had on me.  I'm still in protector mode.  Some make think its denial, but I'm fully aware of what has happened and the effect it has had on my life.  I just don't want to inconvenience anyone with  processing my feelings so I've just pushed them away to deal with at a better time.  It's not that I don't have amazing people who love & support me, it's just hard because no one knows what I'm going through just as I can't imagine what those around me have gone through.  Because of the stuffing, I've dealt with little bits  that have slipped out from time to time or I find an occassion that I'm in the right state of mind to deal with it.  Processing these feelings stirs up a ton of fears for me: fear that I'm not ever gonna be normal, fear that it'll come back, fear of how my body will react to grieving (ie what will physically happen to my breathing if I start sobbing and my nose gets stuffy).   One of these processing moments occurred the other day.  I was getting ready for the day and Darren was home, so I was able to really dance on the tip of the iceberg.  I had the radio going and usually I'd be singing to the radio, but ever since my tumor removal & my resulting speech, I remain silent.  I struggle with Worship time at church because what I hear doesn't sound right to me.  I'm embarrassed & ashamed & frustrated & sad by it all.  This morning was different, as I was getting ready & trying to sing to the music, a song came on that I've heard many times.  Never before had the lyrics been so alive & meaningful to me.  The song was "Let it Fade" by Jeremy Camp. Click on the song title for a Youtube video of this song if you'd like to hear it.  Here are the lyrics that were so powerful!

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace. 
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade. 

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered? 
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace. 
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade. 

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace. 
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade. 

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

It stared me right in the face! It was as if God was saying directly to me: "Jessica, let it go, it doesn't define you, I've created you for more!". I just want to argue this saying "how can I be used if people have a hard time understanding me?". "Why didn't I sing when I could, so many missed opportunities to praise Him!". I think I've even drawn the conclusion you're not normal if you don't sound normal.  Please don't take this as my own personal pity party, I just trying to sort through feelings & truths/lies.  I haven't let go of this, but I like to think I've made some headway.  Just like the song says 'you'll find rest' and I pray I find a place where I can rest in this, knowing my speech may never return in the way I expected, but accepting it and trusting God has so much more for me.

Thanks for listening!

SIDE NOTE: PRAISE - I went out to dinner with my family this past Friday and usually I select the menu item that will be the easiest, knowing I'll still take forever eating it and most likely bringing at least half home.... BUT.... I finished it all.  I had my favorite off their menu, a bean & cheese burrito that was the size of the plate.  I even took a picture of the clean plate, I should of taken one before hand but I jumped onto that before I even had a thought to.  It was so yummy!  Thanks again for the continued prayers on my swallowing, it still isn't back to normal but it is better than it was a year or even 6 months ago. Thank You Lord!

Blessings.