Milestones

Two years ago yesterday, I was first waking up again in my own bed.  Was it different? Undeniably! Was it real? It felt so, especially when Darren brought the boys in. I remember those days well, they were full of uncertainty and question.  But, just as God assured me then & this morning in my devotional - With God, we are more capable than we think we are.  Just like God equipped so many before me, He was making it possible for me to be just what He wanted me to be.  I am so thankful for that!!!!! Yesterday, as I sat in Church with my family by me, I realized the milestone God was making.  Just as He indicated with the empty tomb that He wasn't finished, I don't believe He's finished with me either.  I have no idea what that entails, but I'm giddy with excitement for it.  I see God's hand in all of it... From the two year mark, to my morning devotional, to the cup my coffee is in,  I am lavished with gifts from Him.  My coffee cup says "Life is Good" - its a cup my Mom bought me on a girls trip we had while I was pregnant with Kadin. I had wanted to do some baby clothes shopping at an outlet store and figured my closest option was Seattle. Darren graciously stayed home with Zachary while my Mom and Sister and I headed for a weekend trip to Seattle.  A few weeks before we were to leave, the unknown brain tumor reared it's ugly head via pregnancy issues. I had a low fluid level and I had to get that up before my Doctor would let me travel.  I was barely 20 weeks and couldn't believe I was having trouble.  I drank everything! I carried a water bottle everywhere I went & forced myself to drink.  Finally, a week before we were set to leave, we were given the okay.  This cup was a gift to remember the trip, I thought it was silly and thought my Mom was just being her sentimental self.  I put the mug away & didn't think much of it until I was finally eating & drinking a year and a half later.  Now I use it almost everyday :) Thank You Mom! A few weeks after this trip (Halloween 2009), I began to experience vertigo symptoms, the most debilitating symptom of my brain tumor.  What a blessing that trip was for me. In the past two years, I've experienced so much. When I think back to those first days at home, I'm baffled how Darren did it all, but I'm so grateful he did. What an amazing man. I love him so much!  Thank you Babe! Thank you again to those of you who spent countless hours praying for me! You are a part of my recovery and God's miracle. Blessings.

Allergy

My little guy has suffered from asthma, eczema, tummy troubles & possible food allergies, some since birth and I wondered if it was all connected and due to testable allergies. So after discussing it with the boy's Pediatrician we got a referral to have him seen by an Allergist. 

Testing occurred and Kadin was a champ! After 40 pokes it was discovered he has the following results:

Allergies
Minor: cat, dog, milk, almond 
Major: peanut, egg, garlic

Over the past two weeks, all I've been able to do is formulate more questions. But regardless of my fear, confusion, doubt, questions, I've been continually reminded that God is in control and He's constantly watching over us. He watched Kadin especially close until we discovered this news. Now it's up to us to be more proactive & creative with food options especially. 

Some of the encouragement God provided to me was:


Psalm 17:6 I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer.
Psalm 55:22 Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.
Friends that have had little ones with similar experiences who were willingly to field my questions & offer advice and encouragement.

As I've tried to wrap my mind around this new challenge, I'm filled with more & more questions. I wonder how Kadin hasn't had a reaction to any of these allergens (PTL) when he has been enjoying many foods with these allergens in them for over a year. I noticed small hives & rash after a small exposure to peanut butter & I suspected a allergic reaction to it, but GARLIC? I'm baffled! Garlic is in everything, EVERYTHING! I'm trying to be proactive and eliminate Kadin's exposure to his allergens, but I'm so confused. I'm drafting a list of questions to address with his Doctors office. I hope for some clarity and direction.

Until then here's to creative cooking with limitations :) I'll let y'all know where this goes.

Please pray for us as we navigate this road of uncertainty. 

Thank you Lord for the encouragement you've given so far.

Blessings.

Potato Chips & Trust

Below was shared with me via email: Enjoy!

Potato Chips


A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old man. He was sitting in the park, just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry, so he offered him some chips. He gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.

His smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer. Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted!

They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word..

As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave; but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever..

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? He's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked, "dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! Embrace all equally!

Have lunch with God.......bring chips.

My thoughts

I have so much to be THANKFUL for. I'm blessed beyond measure! There are words enough to adequately express my gratitude for God's undeserved touch on my life. I could testify about many times or moments I felt God's gentle touch in my life. One that happened recently and has a profound impact on my life... I hope and pray you see God's handiwork & footprints throughout what happened.

I started my blog as a way to communicate how I was doing in my recovery. At first, it recounted the physical differences that were occurring, but it's become more. In all of it, I've sought to give God the glory for where I am. In posting my entries, I didn't think much about who was reading it. I think I assumed a few family members and friends might keep up to date, but God has reached further. Just this week, in viewing the demographics of those have visited my blog, I've been humbled & amazed that quite a few people from around the world have stumbled upon it. I don't know why or how often these folks have visited, but just once is cool. A few months ago, I discovered where I could read comments that people have posted in response to my postings. I came across one that struck me greatly. I posted about rainbows and God and there was a comment from Stephanie who shared she had come across my post while she was planning her sons birthday. She went on to share she was a young widowed Mom. I noticed she too had a blog and I went to it and began following it. Life remained busy and I didn't ever post on her blog my thankfulness for visiting my blog and saying something. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and God placed her in my heart, nudging me to visit her blog. I made a mental note with great intention to visit it. As you can predict, life again remained busy and I didn't follow up. As this years Lent season began, I made the decision to do a daily devotional along with giving up desserts & the like. Last week as I was headed to the gym at 4:50 am (yes, you're seeing that correctly), again God placed Stephanie in my heart. I told myself I would visit her blog during quiet time/ nap time that afternoon. I worked out as usual and returned home. In the quiet of the morning hours, I sat down with a cup of coffee and my devotionals. The scripture focus for the days was Proverbs 3: 5-6, which says,

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

I really love those scriptures! I began my morning as usual, getting my boys ready for the day. We did breakfast and some chores. A few hours later, Zach asked if he could take his brother upstairs to play. Side note: Kadin's two and we are working on stairs independence - as I'm writing this he's working on going up & down without hands (ahhhhh!!! Growing up so fast). They went upstairs and I followed a few minutes later. I went to our computer room to upload our recent email messages and while I was there I decided to visit Stephanie's blog. Opening the page, I noticed quickly a picture of a man, whom I assumed was her husband since I knew from briefly visiting before that she started the blog three days after her husband died. Under a picture of him was Proverbs 3: 5-6. You could have slapped me in the face, I was so awe-struck. Instantly, I knew God had been instrumental in all of this. I briefly viewed parts of her blog, read the last posting she had and made a comment. I promised myself I would visit the site again during quiet time as it was time to usher the boys back downstairs to prepare lunch. In my pursuing later in the afternoon, I discovered that when they were in high school, her husband Matt, had been in a terrible car crash resulting in him having a brain injury and being forced to learn to walk and talk again. WOW! Anyone who knows me knows I would empathize with this and be super excited for the returned ability he had. Looking at all these 'coincidences', I could help but see how God orchestrated it all. I will probably never meet Stephanie, but I'm committed to praying for her and her two children as they do their best to adjust to their new 'normal.' My heart hurts for them more than I can say!

Through it all, I remind myself that God is in control.

Spring!

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but there's something about Spring and the craving I get for egg dishes.  I become enthralled with egg salad & egg mustard salad.  I was getting everything ready for egg mustard salad today to bring to ST. Patricks Day dinner and I had a hospital flashback.  As I chopped the hard boiled eggs up, I remembered how when I was in Rehab, I had to prove I was safe in the kitchen.  This was done by preparing something to eat in which I had to use the stove to make.  It happened to be spring time so although I couldn't eat, I offered to make egg salad.  By memory, I recalled to my Occupational Therapist which ingredients we needed.  The next day, I made egg salad without a recipe & without the ability to taste.  I was able to feed quite a few family members.  It was spot on. I remember thinking how silly it was that I had to prove I was safe in the kitchen, but I've learned the importance of it. The kitchen is full of 'ouchies.'. It's funny, I used that no taste method of cooking for a year and I got lots of compliments on what I created.   Most everyone has their own version of egg salad but here's  the recipe for egg mustard salad. Egg Mustard Salad: Head of Romaine lettuce or spinach chopped 4 hard boiled eggs - yolks removed & reserved for dressing, whites chopped 1/2 lb bacon - cooked & crumbled Bunch of green onions, chopped Dressing : 4 egg yolks, mashed 2 tsp yellow mustard 6 tbsp apple cider vinegar 6 tbsp sugar Assemble Romaine lettuce, chopped egg whites, bacon pieces, green onions, and top with dressing right before serving. Enjoy! Blessings.

March Madness

March Madness - Spring is on it's way! It's that time again! Time to pick your favorites and stare at every game until your eyeballs feel as if they'll fall right out. Okay, that was kinda gross. Sorry!   March Madness has been celebrated in my family (Dad's side) since I can remember.  My Grandma Loraine (Grandma Raine as we called her) was the biggest fan EVER! I don't think she missed a moment and that includes the era where you had to stick to one channel at a time, no DVR or split-screen.  I have fond memories of her sitting in her chair sipping beer and clutching the bracket schedule that had been printed in the paper.  The schedule was nicely folded & carefully filled out as she tracked who would make the sweet 16, the Final Four, and onto the victor.  I recall she always cheered the loudest for UNLV.  She could recite statistics and could tell you what transpired in each game.  It was fascinating to watch! You learned early on to not bug Grandma during this time.   She loved basketball & I'll always be reminded of her especially during this time of the year.  My Dad has carried on the tradition of staking out the recliner for each tip off, but doesn't write down all the results like Grandma use to.  When I was in the hospital, March Madness coincided with my time in Rehab and as I worked hard in therapies, my Dad watched the games from my room, always updating me when I returned between sessions.  It was nice to have that familiar sound of the ball traveling back & forth down the court, the squeaking of the shoes, and the school's fight songs & cheers.  It was almost as if I had a piece of childhood transported to my hospital room for me. Much in the same way, I wish I served God with the excitement my Grandma had for that tournament.  I don't want to come across as I don't think my relationship with God is good, because it's better & stronger than it's been in years. I'm just in the beginning of a revamp.  I'm getting more excited about going to Church & doing devotionals.  I'm trying desperately to lean on God & surrender all that I am. Is it easy? NO! But, I'm trying.  I long to be able to cite stories & scripture the way my Grandma rattled off scores & other stats.  I know I've picked a favorite (God) so that's settled, but I've yet to write a 'fight song' or any cheers.  I want nothing to stand in my way or hinder me from being whom I'm meant to be.  This I'm working on and there's much to be done.  Will I fall? Yes, I'm sure I will, but there's always tomorrow & I know who hold those days.  Many things are different about my Grandma's excitement for March Madness and my excitement for being a follower of Christ... God's book is clear about who the winner is and it's more than one page long, God offers erasers (forgiveness) if you make a mistake with your stats keeping (Christian walk), it doesn't matter how much is going on, how many games are being played, God is there all the time, watching it all! Here's to Spring! New beginnings & new life! Blessings.

I - did - I -did - I - did - the Iditarod

Okay... does anyone remember that catchy tune, I did, I did, I did.... the Iditarod Trail? So, my title comes from that.... I'm sure only Alaskans will get that, especially those that were around in the 90's...... anyways, I digress.

Fur Rondy continued into this weekend and with it the beginning of the Iditarod. We headed downtown this morning (Saturday) to catch the train expo at the Alaska Railroad Train Depot. I think the boys would have loved to play with the displays as opposed to watching them. After that we headed to a churches parking lot located along the mushing route to watch the dog teams. It was so exciting to see those first teams head out. The boys were excited to see the 'puppies'. It has been great to be involved in community activities. Unfortunately, my youngest Kadin was a tad fussy as he didn't want to wear a snow hat anymore :) Goof! We only saw about 7 teams head out, but it was still fun. Next year, we'll aim for more. We headed home and while Darren and Zach snow blowed the driveway, Kadin and I watched some more of the dog teams head out on the local cable channel. He was busy making sure my head was protected by his brother's bike helmet, rather than watching 'puppies' and their mushers head out.

Speaking of Fur Rondy events, I'm going to the Empty Bowl next weekend as it has become a tradition with the ladies in my family. My Mom, Mother in Law (Luann), sister (Jaime), her Mother in Law (Bonnie), and our great friend (Aimee) go. This would be our 10th year I think, but they didn't go the year I was in the hospital. It is an awesome event that raises money for Bean's Cafe, a local homeless shelter that serves hundred's of warm meals every day. You go, select a one of a kind hand made & decorated pottery bowl donated by various pottery artists in town and the chef at Bean's Cafe prepares two kinds of fabulously yummy bean soup. You can eat as many bowls as you want along with warm yummy cornbread, Oh, its fabulous! If you are in Anchorage during this time some year, you should check it out. In regard to new events I want to see the 'Running of the Reindeer.'

Side note: the church cleared viewing location was quite slippery - Darren was holding Kadin and went down. Just like 'normal' I reached out trying to save them and I too went down. The only one left standing was Zach. I felt angry & frustrated with my balance until I heard another spectator say, even with the warnings of slippery ground & the gravel, we are all still falling down. After that new perspective, I let go of the anger & realized no one was making fun of me (us) for falling, they wouldn't pinpoint me because I was walking 'funny' before that. What a remarkable experience! I'm reminded in this moment that everyone isn't looking for my faults, they're just taking note of their environment. I need to be less hypersensitive because in reality 'normal' people fall all the time and how does someone differentiate me from that? They don't! Thank you Lord for that lesson learned.

Blessings!

Sobering Reality

(Written February 24, 2012 @ 5 am) - Saturday is the 2nd Anniversary of Brain Surgery

You know the thing about a near death experience is it really puts your life in perspective. I've realized it doesn't do this for just you, it affects those around you too. But, you have a choice in it that no one else does, you have a choice to make it positive or negative for YOU. I'm not saying that it doesn't affect those around you, cause it does, often time just as drastically, but only you can change you! They're responsible for them and if they change as an effect of experiencing this event so be it, I only hope it's for the positive. But YOU can make a decision to look for the good within or focus on the bad.

As I look over my day, I have 'normal' stuff on my agenda. I know that probably sounds weird for you, you might even say, yeah everyone does, but if you've been striving to be 'normal' again then this statement might give you a little insight into my here and now. For two years, I've struggled to return to 100% since a life altering experience. In reality, I really wasn't 100% before this event. In fact, the last time I remember 'normal' is the day before Halloween 2009. I don't like to ruminate on my old 100%, its too painful at times. I'm not sure if that reaction is acceptance or avoidance. I'll hope it's acceptance, but if I'm honest with myself, it's probably both. My new 100% (which I think is still improving) is OK with me. If I linger on my perceived 'deficits', I lose the opportunity to heal and the miracle that is in that. I in essence shoot myself in the foot, I hinder myself from seeing what truly has happened, what God has done. I'm confident God is and will use me as I am, in my new state. Thankfully all He asks of me is my willingness to serve Him!

As I write this it's 5 am and I'm pedaling away at the gym, listening to the news, and having a conversation with my workout buddy (Hi Dad). Here's for multitasking. If I stop and just look at where I am, I realize how far I've come. Enter side note: I'm not sure I will ever grasp truly how far I've come (because I don't remember what I looked like those first days), but I remember how I felt and I know I've come a long way and I'm thankful for that.

Two years ago, it all could have turned out much differently. In honesty, I have a hard time thinking about that. I don't like to think about the could have's, especially when it comes to my husband & precious boys. I've so enjoyed watching my boys continue to grown & change these last two years. I haven't always enjoyed the power struggles I have with them, but I suspect it's not only normal, but just the start, regardless I love the way they make me laugh and smile. To hear Zach give my painful arm a 'blessing' (prayer) without me requesting it or the way he says Mom and runs to me after an absence. To Kadin's scream of Mom in delight when I walk into his room in the morning or after nap or how he is so loving as he crawls up into my lap just to be with me. As I write this, I have to stop myself and be grateful. I remember those days in the hospital when nothing I saw was the horrible deficits and repeatedly asking, "will they still love me?" One of the best gifts were the visits the boys made to me in the hospital. To Kadin having to come in a closed isolette to my ICU room to prevent him from catching the 'yuckiness' going around to Zach crawling in my bed to test all the controls. It was really physically and emotionally taxing on me every time these visits occurred because I so desperately feared their rejection. Instead, they just loved their Momma. My family did a great job of preparing Zach for what had happened and at the end he was just focused on when I was coming home and what kind of sucker he could have during his visit. Kadin was content letting me feed him, burp him and snuggle him when I was finally strong enough to. What memories, good and bad!

Despite it all, I'm THANKFUL it happened as it did. I have learned so much and have experienced so much. I am still saddened by parts of it that may remain forever, but I'm happy by how it's impacted my life.

Thank you to my Husband, Children, Parents, Siblings, In-laws, other family and friends. Thank you so much for the encouragement, support, love, and prayers you've showered on me. It has been a blessing and I'm forever grateful for your sacrifice.

Thank you to the Doctors. Nurses, Therapists, health care aides. I appreciate your assistance in making my recovery as good as it could be. Thank you for the encouragement, support and sometimes swift kick in the butt. I am blessed to have met you and I'm grateful for your care and concern.

Thank you most importantly to God! You have rescued me and I'll never be the same. Thank you for each person you placed in my life during this experience. Thank you for loving me and using me exactly where I was. I am so grateful and thankful for what has happened. May YOU be glorified!

One song that I was listening to on the way to the gym this morning seemed to summarize how I feel.... you can find a youtube video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0wn7dqdhQE

Below are the lyrics....

Hillsong United

"Search My Heart"

[Verse 1:]
Search my heart
And search my soul
There is nothing else
That I want more

[Verse 2:]
Shine Your light
And show Your face
In my life
Lord have Your way

[Verse 3:]
Hear my cry
And hear my prayer
Draw me close
I know your near

[Verse 4:]
Give me strength
And give me grace
To walk with You
Lord, all my days

[Chorus 1:]
So with all my heart and all my soul
With all I am, Lord, I will follow You

[Chorus 2:]
You took the cross, You took my shame
Restored my life, now I live to worship You

[Bridge:]
Without You I am nothing
Without You I am nothing
Without You I am nothing

Blessings.