For Rondy

One thing that's always fun about Anchorage in February is Fur Rondy. I remember going downtown when I was younger and watching the start of the dog sled races. I remember how good the hot chocolate tasted on those chilly days. I remember the excitement in the air especially in the barks and yelps of the dogs. I hope to take my boys to that in the coming years so they too can experience the excitement of dog sled races & Fur Rondy. I remember as a teenager decorating my Fridge box with my teen group to make it qualify for the Outhouse Race. I think we competed in one of the first races. I don't remember how we fared, but I remember we had fun. Then I didn't pay much attention to Fur Rondy for years, but I remember it in 2010. I remember a day or so before Fur Rondy occurred, Nurse Shamise insisted that I switch ICU rooms, because she wanted me to have a view. I remember thinking at the time how crazy that was. I was sure I was dying and the thought of enjoying my view was downright stupid sounding to me. The excitement of Fur Rondy still made it up to my room. As I lay in my bed, unable to move much and struggling desperately to breath, my family was delivered the joy of having a great view of the sled dogs pulling their mushers out of town. I wanted to see it, to not be trapped in a hospital bed fighting for my life, I wanted to be normal. Thank you Shamise for this small gift to my family. Although I didn't realize it then, I do know, it allowed my family a bit of normalcy in such a scattered time. I remember where I was during Fur Rondy 2011 too. I was with Darren and my boys. One night we made it down by the small boat harbor to watch the fireworks. So much had changed and I had so much to be thankful for. It was exactly where I wanted to be, and I plan to do the same this year and many more to come. Thank you Lord!

Blessings

Changes

Throughout this journey, I've celebrated little and big changes, just as I was told to do by my physical therapist. Almost two years later, I'm still noticing changes. Some of these changes are only noticeable to me and maybe the well trained eye of a Therapist, while others are more visible to all. One thing that's been interesting to pay awareness to is 'typical' neurological responses like sneezing, hiccuping, whistling, yawning. I lost them all as a result of my surgery, but I remember the times I regained them. I remember constant hiccups that plagued me while I was in ICU. Nothing I tried helped. Slowly they tapered off, but the most uncomfortable they made me was their appearance after I had my feeding tube placed. Talk about pain, it was off the charts. My sneeze returned when I was in Rehab talking with my Dad. When it happened, we were both startled in delight. I finally was able to whistle a few months ago. It's still weak & short, but it shows me I'm still healing. The final response, the yawn, returned this week. I remember thinking every so often for the past years, I'm so tired, but I never yawn. The other night as I laid there waiting to fall asleep, I remember stretching my mouth open wide and thinking, WOW, this is finally happening, I'm finally yawning.

I love those gentle reminders from God. I don't know if it's unrealistic, my stubborn nature, or embracing reality & the future, but I'm not willing to embrace finality & what it has to offer. I'm confident God is still changing me. Praise be to Him!

Thanks for the continued love, support, encouragement, support & prayers, it has meant so much to me.

Blessings

Realizations

Recently, I've had numerous moments that have been quite sobering and have taken my breath away. Each of them has been a powerful reminder that God is in charge!

I attend the memorial service for Mr. Glenn this past weekend and it still seems surreal that he's gone. I was struck with a number of thoughts:

- I hope I'm remembered so positively when it's my time. I hope that I've lived a life that serves the Lord and gives me the opportunity to serve others. I hope I'm remembered as a loving & caring wife, mother, friend, sister & daughter. I hope I make an impact on those lives I come in contact with. I hope I use my brain tumor to always give glory to God and convey the message of His goodness.

- like the Kirk Franklin song says, "it could of been me". This has hit me in subtitle ways the past few weeks. My two year anniversary is soon (February 25) and I can't help but think how close it all came for me. I'm not sure I will ever fully grasp with how close I really was. God spared my life when I had Kadin, the days following that until surgery, and following surgery. Those last few days of February 2010 were tough, but I'm still here and for a purpose.

-the final message that really stood out was DON'T WAIT. Live your life with purpose & meaning. Tell those that you love, how special they are. If you have goals and dreams, strive for them, make them come true. Make the most of what you have, as Americans, we always want more, we want better, but, we are so blessed and we need to accept what we have and are and use that to make this world better. Don't worry, I'm talking to myself too.

The other big moment was as I stood at my kitchen sink this Thursday morning, cleaning strawberries for my boys, I heard and saw an ambulance race up the hill by our house. I glanced at my watch and noticed the time. Almost two years ago, a similar scene played out, only that ambulance was coming for me. Little did I know that my life was about to dramatically change. What a simple yet mind blowing experience of how quickly time changes.

Another gentle reminder that keeps replaying throughout my life is my regained ability in multitasking. An example of this is the fear I previously generated, worrying, about how I'd manage dropping Zach off at school with Kadin in tow. I managed this and then it snowed. I managed this task and then Kadin got a bit older & a bit more independent waiting during pick up. I've mastered that and last week, we stepped it up another notch. With both boys in tow, school bag loaded with snow stuff, snowy parking lot, I added a bag of donated stuff for the local Rescue Mission. The day before, I walked through it all in my head, planning as much of it as I could. I couldn't help but feel exhilarated when Kadin & I strolled out of the school after dropping Zach, his snow gear, and our donation off. Wowie! Still changing! Praise God!

I'm sure as my two year anniversary approaches, I'll be doing some more introspective processing and hopefully I'll gain some nuggets of wisdom.

Blessings!

Until we meet again

Throughout this journey, I've been BLESSED with the opportunity to meet, encourage, support, pray, and show love to others who've come upon difficult times. Because of what I've experienced, I've gained a unique perspective into recovery. Even though our stories have been vastly different, some things remain the same: we all need love, support, encouragement & prayers to get through this trial we are going through; the human spirit is strong & resilient; with God we can do all things (Philippians 4:13) - *side note to that - sometimes it's just tweaking what we thought we were capable of or what the possible outcome might be; KEEP PUSHING - you just might be surprised where you'll end up; talk & share about your experience - the people surrounding you, probably can't relate, but they want to 'be there' for you - you just have to let them; don't play victim - BE STRONG!

I hope & pray that God continues to use my journey as a tool for supporting others. I would be honored to share what I've learned with others, no matter what the situation.

Mr. Glenn Norris - Taken at his youngest daughter's wedding in 2009.

How do you say goodbye? I've yet to figure this out, so I'm no help... sorry!
This posting is in honor of a friend's Dad that just went to be with our Lord. A little over 6 months ago, I heard Mr. Glenn was having Neurological difficulties. I asked who his providers were & gave references where I could. I cheered when he went to Seattle & had neck surgery, hoping that a slipped disc was to blame, quietly putting the possible ALS diagnosis out of my mind. I rejoiced with his family as he did physical therapy following his surgery and took his first steps in a few weeks. Instantly, I was morphed back to my own experience with those 'first steps' (mine are just shy of two years out - Praise the Lord! I anxiously waited his return to the state, hoping that all we'd hear was continued good news, but that didn't seem to happen. Quite rapidly it all began to unravel for Mr. Glenn. A hospital bed was being delivered,permanent bi-pap assistance was needed, 24 hour care was necessary. It was this time, the beginning of December, that I got to go see Mr. Glenn & bring him & Miss Toni dinner, in fact it was Mr. Glenn's birthday (December 7th). I was able to stand by his bed, holding his hand, talking for a few hours. It was both hard & humbling. It was incredible! We laughed, cried, reminisced & rejoiced about God's goodness. During that visit, I remember Mr. Glenn saying that God was gonna give him full healing, and I was touched by that. It's not as if I didn't think God was capable of that and it wasn't whether or not I believed Mr. Glenn deserved it, I was just touched by the confidence & how awesome that was to see in his current state. I don't know if he meant for that total healing to happen here on earth or if he knew God would call him home, but I do know with CONFIDENCE, he has his total healing now. He is with our Lord, renewed & restored. Although it's been difficult to watch him endure the last few weeks, I find comfort in the fact he is now at peace. I didn't think watching what he's endured these last few weeks would be so hard, but it was. Instantly, after hearing an update, I would be back in my recollections of my own experience. As he struggled, I was reminded of the sights, sounds, experiences I had and instantly my heart ached for him. I wanted to take it all away, but I couldn't. Those that surrounded him 24/7 were so inventive in coming up with methods to enable him. I am in AWE of his wife, Miss Toni. What a strong, strong woman. Please pray for Toni & the entire family as they do their best to come to grips with this new reality. Thank you Lord for people like Mr. Glenn! You made such a tender & loving man in him. The bear hugs he gave were the best. Always so kind & generous. I know his passing will leave a giant loss for this incredible family, but I know you'll walk beside them, guiding their steps & supporting their every move.

Mr. Glenn - THANK YOU for being such a model of grace. You dealt with this crisis with grace, love, peace, strength, and dignity. You were a REMARKABLE man! Thank you for the touch you had in my life. Sending Big Bear Hugs heaven bound, I look forward to the day I can have one again.

Blessings

laying it all out there

I think making yourself vulnerable is sometimes necessary for change, so here goes...

It's easy to update everyone on my physical recovery to this brain tumor, but recovery goes so much deeper.

You change! What you've been through & what's to come, changes the person you use to be. I've always tended to be quiet about sharing 'heart matters' cause I've been burned so many times. In reality, who hasn't? I'm sure we've all had times that we've made ourselves vulnerable only to have someone we least expected tarnish that moment. Instead of limping away as a hurt dog, I'm going to take a leap of faith and share with y'all a vulnerable issue I have. Please tread carefully on this information, I share it with hesitation.

From the furthest memory I have, I've always wanted to be a Mom. At times, I am in awe of my children at other times, I'm scratching my head, left wondering what happened. I've had a lot of these scratching head moments lately and at times I'm brought to tears. I just don't understand the behaviors that seemingly inhabit my children from time to time. Before I had children, I heard about the 'terrible two's ' and then some friends said, 'just wait til they're three'... Well one son is four and it hasn't passed and the other is almost two and we're upon it again. I hope I don't seem as if I'm complaining, I'm just hoping to normalize toddler behaviors.

Despite those tough moments, I have incredibly wonderful ones too. It's those moments that get me through the head scratching moments. Just today, I had one of those moments with each boy. After dropping Zach off at Preschool, Kadin & I went to visit Daddy at work. It was the first time we went for a visit & didn't need Darren's help. It was so liberating & fulfilling for me. It was fun to see the excitement Kadin had for visiting his Daddy at work without his brother. A year ago, I wasn't sure this was possible, The other moment occurred when Kadin & I arrived to pick Zach up from school. He usually runs over to me and hugs my legs, but today was different. His snow hat was on his head crooked covering a tear stained face. I kneeled down to find out what was wrong. He continued to cry and say that no one wanted to play with him. I asked about whether or not his best friend, Quinn, was there today and he nodded that he was there. He kept crying and Miss Shawna, his teacher, came over & explained what had happened. Apparently Zach was throwing snow up in the air & some of it went into Quinn's coat, causing him to cry. Another teacher took Quinn inside to clean out the snow and calm him down. It was heartbreaking to hear Zach's distress. You never want your children to suffer so this was horrible, but I was so glad to be there to comfort him. I drug Zach over to Quinn & his Mom to apologize. We tried to mend fences, but only time will tell. I hope that the I'm sorry card were sending Quinn will help Zach move forward and realize his best friend really likes him.

It was good to watch my little men in action. They amaze me daily and I know we will get through the tough times and come through it even stronger.

Thanks for listening!

Blessings

Sickies

This past week our house has been filled with sickies. Zach had his first real cold, I spent the early morning hours in the ER because I woke up at midnight Thursday with uncontrollable shakes, chills, and I couldn't catch my breath. Last time I had symptoms like this my internist sent me directly to the ER for treatment, so I knew what I was in for & wanted to nip it in the bud. I was right! Luckily, I had the same wonderful doctor as last April when this happened. He remembered me and we chit chatted before he checked me out. I was given an IV of fluids, a nebulizer treatment, chest x- ray & influenza test. I didn't have Pneumonia or the flu thankfully, but if I had ignored it, it could have turned into q worse situation. I left with a prescription for an antibiotic, an inhaler & instructions to get my fever under control. Because of my brain surgery and the resulting breathing & swallowing issues, I seem more susceptible to Pneumonia. I sure hope this doesn't become a yearly occurrence.

Thanks Mom for taking me in the wee hours to be checked out. I appreciate that we could leave Darren at home in case Zach woke up & couldn't find Mom. Thanks also for sacrificing sleep on a work night. I so appreciate all the scarifies you've made for me through this.

Thank you to Luann, my Mother-in-law, who so graciously filled in my volunteering responsibilities at NHPS even without Zach there. I appreciate you doing that even though it was probably uncomfortable. You are so helpful and so willing, THANK YOU!

Now were are just trying to get Zach & I healthy without having Darren & Kadin end up too sick.

85%

Since my surgery & resulting deficits, we (my family and I) have asked the same question of all my Doctors, will I ever be 100%?

I have many thoughts on this... So here goes...

Will I ever be 100% - my answer is probably not, but what percentage will the end be and what does it look like? I was asked today to evaluate what percentage I thought I was, and my answer was 85%. I factored in my vision, balance/walking, speech, and my new voice. Can I get to 100%? To that I say, with God anything is possible! (Matthew 19:26 - Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”NIV). Do I think that will happen? I don't know but it will if only it fits into God's plan.

I have not interviewed my Doctors, Nurses, or Therapists to find out where they'd thought I'd be now, I wish I had, but judging from their reactions, I'm doing better than what they expected. For that I say, Praise God! I'm made new because He's restoring me.

Am I the same? Heavens No! Ask family especially and they'll be quick to point out those not so subtle ways I've changed. Is it all for the better? I'd say, most of it is, but I wish my 'quick to anger' button hadn't been re-wired. I guess that gives God another opportunity to teach me to be 'slow to anger' just as scripture says in James 1:19 - My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,. But on a side note, I feel that I am more genuine and real with people now. I'm not afraid of stating exactly how I feel.

The big question? If you could go back to 100% of what you were before anything happened and not experience any of the changes that have happened since, would you?

Nope! Don't get me wrong, I thought I was a fairly decent person before everything, but this experience has taught me so much about who I am & has given me insight into who I want to be. If all that comes with a gimp, different voice & drawn out meals, I'll take it. I feel like I'm experiencing life from a whole new perspective. Is it tough having these deficits? Yes, it is, but it's doable. I'm not asking for easy, I'm asking for possible (borrowed from Bethany Hamilton in Soul Surfer). Life's too short - fight for what you want. Believe in yourself, your ability, and the gifts you have to offer. Keep pushing! I'm discovering almost weekly things that are getting better. I'm so fortunate to be blessed with a strong personality. I'm determined, focused, independent, opinionated, strong willed, and stubborn.

There's no way I'm going to let a brain tumor get me down!

Blessings